the depth of my depression

My heart aches tonight, but not in the way it aches when you’re just sad. It aches tonight, but not in a way that feels like it’ll be okay. My heart aches tonight. It feels like a 500 pound weight is sitting on it and I can barely breathe. I feel like I’m drowning. What happened to my life?

Just 5 short months ago, I was on top of the world, finally happy, and had everything going for me. I had my best friend by my side, and a new boyfriend who she actually approved of. I was truly happy. This happiness lasted for a while, or at least I thought it did. Then it hit me. In the midst of me trying to keep this happiness alive, I lost myself. I lost my best friend, and eventually lost my boyfriend, without even realizing it.

That is what depression does. It slowly consumes you, and you don’t even realize it. Over the course of time, I didn’t realize that I had pushed my best friend out of my life. Now she has new best friends and I have acquaintances. So that happened first. And then I started realizing it, and became sad. I started treating my boyfriend differently, and I guess I sort of blamed him. I was always with him so I had no time for her. Because of my sadness, I treated him differently, causing us to fight. Over time, I became so unhappy, I was rude and hateful towards him, and I distanced myself. I could be right next to him, yet feel so far away, and it was the worst thing in the world. Eventually, he got tired of it. And he left.

And here I am, laying in my bed all day and night, unable to eat, and sleeping most of the time. I spend my time awake, crying, and hating the monster that I have become. This isn’t me, and this isn’t who I want to be.

I don’t know how to fix it. I am being overtaken by the waves of life, and I am not a good swimmer.

2 thoughts on “the depth of my depression”

  1. Hello there. I wish that there was something comforting that I could say, as I am quite literally going through the exact same thing. It’s as if you wrote my own thoughts. I really wish that I could be reassuring, but I know just how hard it is. I guess all I can say is to stay strong, and that you are definitely not alone.


  2. It hurts my heart to read these words because I have written them myself (or at least a similar hyperbole of them) in my own life… many times, in fact.
    Please know, you are not alone, and though it hurts and feels like you’re going to drown under the weight of it, reach out. It will feel like the moment you stop treading water to extend your hand, your lungs will fill with ice, but the moment you reach out–that very moment, you will find hands have been waiting there to lift you out the whole time.
    Talk to your friend. Tell her all of this, exactly these words, tell her what it’s like and how much it hurts. Let her know she doesn’t have to understand it to still be her friend, because I can also promise you… she probably won’t understand it. At least not at first. Let her know how much her friendship means to you. Don’t apologize for being depressed, it’s nothing you can help. But hiding inside your depression will destroy you. It nearly destroyed me many, many times before I opened up to my friends and family.

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