Late night-write

As I sit here having my “mom” time I feel a little guilty. Yeah Tom is Sunday and its church and yeah the baby will be up soon. Why are you up still girl??  I dunno. I always wanted to write. For the good, bad, and ugly days. It just gives me a sense of relief.

So today was one of those mweh, kinda days   Didn’t seem like the hubs wanted anything to do with me.  He has been super grouchy.  All he has done the last week is watch the nasty orange is the new black.  I hate it too.  It’s a filthy show I think but why does my opinion matter ya know.  Oh well.  Tom we will prob be back to normal hopefully.  I do love him.  I just wish he paid attention to myself and the kids more.  I want all of him.  Not just the half present, TV binging, clash of clan present.  I’m no saint either.  I have times through out the day  where I want to check my emails, Facebook, or big brother updates but I try to limit my time.

Anyhow lately I have been feeling depressed with how I will soon be leaving two of my babies when I return to work.  My heart longs to be a stay at home mom but I just feel like it will never happen.  I could care less if I had all the stuff and money but I dunno.  I don’t want to go there tonight.  Anyhow panic setting in.  My ds who is 3 now called me the babysitters name at one point.  Talk about a knife to the heart.  This time around I get another about 7 weeks longer with child #2 but I just know I will be a mess when I have to go back.  Why or why?  I could cry now.  I will miss so much. He will be confused why momma is leaving him.  Our bond always feels like it takes a dive also for awhile and you have to regain trust back.  Ok now I have a lump in my throat.  My heart has been racing also.  I have about 2 months left still but I just feel sick.   Can I just win the lotto?!?  It’s one am….I need to close my eyes.  That’s all for now folks!






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