Where to begin?
I wish I knew.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t one of the lucky ones. Good family. Good job. Good life. So where do I get the right to complain? Don’t get me wrong I am happy. So happy. I just can’t help but have moments of doubt sometimes. I try so hard to be easy going and enjoy life but apparently it’s not that simple. Influences out of our control change how enjoyable life is. Sometimes these influences are in our control and we choose not to do anything about it.
One of my big issues at the moment involves my housemates. They seem to have this habit of destroying everything they touch – including me. I used to ask nicely for them to take care of my things but I’ve given up. They wore me down. It’s not the end of the world stuff but I know I would be happier if I did something about it. I just dislike confrontation with a passion. #firstworldproblems
I feel like we’re all in charge of our own happiness. If I’m having, for lack of better terms, ‘a shit one’, it’s probably a result of something I’m doing or have done in the past.
I just wish there was a better way. Why can’t I have a good time and go with the flow and not let people bother me? I recently had a discussion with one of my work partners and he gave me some of the best advice that I wish with all my heart I could do.
“Hold everything lightly.”
If I could do this I wouldn’t care about my damaged pots or couches. I would be able to say whatever and move on. Alternatively I imagine I would be able to move out and not feel bad. Not miss this lovely house I currently inhabit and not feel bad for making my housemates feel like what they can be sometimes. Bad housemates.
My fear if I move out is that I could do worse. I could live with people who drive me up the wall even more than my current housemates. It could be me. I might not be the cool fun housemate I believe I am. My fear if I move out alone is that I’ll become withdrawn. Have no desire to catch up with friends. Working shift work it’s easy to get sucked into the lifestyle of sleep and work. How do you tell someone though that you want a break from them? Lovers are easy. Friends are hard. Especially when you live together, work together and have the same friendship groups. I’ve been trying to do activities without my housemate at the moment but she has her claws in deep. A benefit at the moment is that our roster is a little bit different – allowing me to have a break. I need more though. I love people. I also love being alone and I love hanging around with different friends every now and then.
Like my life my thoughts and writing make no sense. My flow of ideas are jagged, repetitive and disjointed. Which brings me to my next topic of discussion. Anxiety. I didn’t think I had it. At work all the time my patients have it and I think “here we go..” but it is a very real thing. I get irrationally scared of the dark. I think I see ghosts or murderers waiting for me in the shadows. It’s ridiculous but I can’t help it. I get scared. So scared my head hurts. I heard one time that a little song or management plan can help deal with it. So now when I am in the dark (usually alone for some reason it’s not so bad when I have a person with me which we will get to) I start singing “This is the song I sing when I’m scared, helps me get over it, gets me prepared…”
It sounds silly but I think it works. I concentrate on the words which I change every second day rather than what I was irrationally afraid of.
I need to sleep I have to get up in less than 5 hours to start my work day.
My last point I wanted to touch on was love. More specific romantic love. I think everyone had this view in their mind of how it’s going to be. I’ve had a few of the perfect stories and they have lead to nothing. The closest thing I’ve had to a boyfriend lately is a poor boy I toy with who cheated on his girlfriend with me. I love myself but I wouldn’t say I’m relationship ending material. I’m flattered nonetheless. It was nice but also horrible and because of that exact situation I know I’ll never trust him enough to be with him and I won’t let myself like him more than a friend. I used to think there was a few good ones and I would maybe be able to find myself one. It’d be easy, we’d love each other and grow old in our own little paradise. Whatever would happen would happen and we’d get through it together. BLERR. No that’s not what happens anymore. I want to say I believe in love but how can I when everyone I look up to has their own agendas laced with lies and it’s not you vs one homewrecker. It’s you vs all the homewreckers. Coming from a one time homewrecker. I wouldn’t do it again but I can’t lie and say I haven’t thought about some people I know I shouldn’t have. I recently found out that one of the men I look up to has a bad habit of contacting females late at night despite having a wife and children. I tell myself there is nothing in it but I still find it disheartening. This man I look up to and think to myself I can’t wait to have a husband just like him and now I realise that I need to be careful what I wish for. I want him to be funny and smart but perhaps a little bit less of a dog.
Again I like to think I’m breezing through life and I try not to care about anything too much. Lately, against my good judgement, I have been putting in effort to actually win the affection of a boy. This is hard because when you show a little bit more of yourself the possibility of rejection becomes more real and it hurts that little bit more when you’ve tried. I have alternating moods of “I should put in effort and not let it go” to “why should I put in effort? If it’s meant to be it will be”. Tonight I’m leaning towards the latter. I think what will happen will happen. Someone needs to meet me half way #fergie and it shouldn’t matter how good looking or appropriately funny and weird they are no one is worth giving up your joy and love should be easy-ish!
I feel better after this weird lexical journey I have completed. I would recommend it to anyone who has something to say but isn’t sure how or who they should say it to.