Content.

The last few weeks have shown me that happiness is a choice, living in the moment, living life, is a choice. Constantly searching for something else, something better is like chasing a phantom.  But to truly be content and happy in life, means to be content with your situation, even if it may not be what you think you want at the time.  The last few days have shown me this.  One of my main goals this past week or so has been to give you space, I have found there are so many ways to do this.  It’s not just leaving you alone and not texting you, it’s about letting you live your life the way you want to guilt free, not throwing a mountain of my feelings on you, not constantly barraging you to do things with me, it means to truly let you be.  To be content with my plot in life right now, live it and be it to the fullest, without selfish motives or hopes of “rewards” in return.  Though I have been working on many things lately, I feel that a lot of what I have been doing was still coming from a selfish place.  I felt like if I was present, engaged, a good dad, and showering you constantly with the way I feel about you and the kids, that I should get something in return. That’s not what this is about, it’s not what true contentment is.  The more I have accepted this, I find that I have enjoyed you guys, and life even more.  The less expectations I have of how you should be responding to me at this time; the more content I am with reality.  The more I have started to truly understand what I have done to you, and how deep the hurt goes.  Also, things have become more clear, I have started to envision what a truly healthier version of myself actually looks like, though I know I still must seek help for this.  My emotions have become less like a roller coaster, I am able to deal with them in a more, mature way I suppose, more so on my own is the important part, and not forcing them on to you, and expecting you to coddle me… The other day, you asked me some questions about the affair, I failed that test, I was disappointed in myself.  This was my chance to be vulnerable, to provide you with the absolute truth up front, without you having to further question or have doubts.  I am sorry for this, I did get nervous, and I am scared to death to hurt you more, and of course I am scared to death to lose you forever to the details.  But I make this promise to myself and you now, if you ever question me again, no matter how nervous or scared I get, I will pause and search for the complete and whole truth, and offer you nothing less. And on a lighter note, the family time we have had lately has simply been amazing.  The way we have been, I could not ask for anything more in life.  When reality sets in, and I remember what we are facing, I ask myself if you can ever be intimate with me again, truly intimate.  I wonder if I could ever hold you again, and you feel safe and loved in my arms. I wonder if I can look in to your eyes and tell you how beautiful you are to me, whether you will feel and believe it.  But for now, i am content, and am enjoying thoroughly the times that we have together as a family.  I love you guys so much.

Leave a Reply

SCROLL TO TOP