Respect and blah

Today was kind of a blah day I guess is how I would put it. I had a great morning with the kids, but from the moment I had to leave, and see all them having fun, I just kind of started dwelling and thinking about things. The only real productive thought I had today was about respect. Last night, having a conversation with you about your pictures, and telling you how good you are. I realized I have not respected you. I think this stemmed other issues, and is why we were never able to have a fun, friendly and EQUAL relationship. I held myself in too high of regard, I guess in a way, I hate to say this, I thought I was better than you… So why should I laugh at your jokes? Why should I engage intelligent conversation with you, or just any conversation with you about anything? Basically, I felt I was better, so why should I put any effort in to it.  I can’t believe how foolish, stupid and pretentious this was to us, it is truly devastating. You are an amazing person with SO much to offer. If I would have respected you the way you deserved, and shared in an equal partnership, I could have learned so much. I am finding this out now, you have taught me so much in the past few weeks it’s unbelievable. And when it comes down to it, you deserve all my respect. You are a smart and intelligent women, I would be lucky to hear your opinion on anything. You are funny as hell once I set myself aside and just have fun with you. You are an amazing parent, and have MUCH better instincts than I ever did, I used to pop in here and there, and pipe up like I knew what I was doing, well I was full of shit and should have shut up and listened. You are focused and determined, and always do the responsible thing. As much as I always wanted to be this, you were there, doing it. But I gave you no recognition or thanks.  Now that I look at Lindsey and TJs relationship, this is what I see. Mutual respect. They are equals, partners, they share in the joy of the moment, in memories, laugh at each other, and hold each other in high regard. This is absolutely what I did not do, I thought I was special and better, I thought I deserved all the respect even though I had done nothing to earn it. Now I look at myself, and realize I’m basically a fucking mess, and know that I have done nothing in this life, and especially in the last 5 years to earn your respect. Just know you have my undivided and full respect, the person you are and have been has earned it many times over. I am just sorry I did not give it to you when needed.

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