Angry and tired. I’m sick of being angry and tired.
I has a discussion with Crystal yesterday about anxiety. She suffers something fierce. It’s a control thing. I wonder if she hadn’t become a mom so early in life would she feel the need to control everything around her.
I need help too. I do. I’m angry all of the time and then I talk myself out of it. I hate my job. I hate working in general.
I spent last night at Dianes house because I felt like she needed.a.friend but it was I, I, am the one who needed a friend.
She’s has no problem telling me when she needs someone. I feel like she thinks I always want something from her. I don’t… well, I do actually. I want a friend.
She’s a lot older than me so I sometimes think that the glue that brings us together is our shared dislike for the hands we have been dealt. Of course we have totally different life stories but in the end neither of us are where we thought we would be. Life sucks, but the alternative equally sucks. If I wasn’t alive I wouldn’t have those fleeting moments of joy that I live for.
Some cunt at work called me a brown noser the other day. Duck her (duck is the auto correct way of saying f uck. I need to fix that.)
I neither wanted nor asked her for her opinion of me. It’s her own problem that she can’t see anything positive. Fuck her for not being cheerful. Fuck her for being…
Angry?me? yeah, I live here. I own my faults. I’m working on apologizing less. I’m aiming for never. I read an article online the other day about how people who apologize are seen as week in the workplace. I’m working on it.
In also read that people who stay late to get work done are seen by their bosses as inefficient. Well, leaving on time is certainly earning me notice like that I have time to spare… Thus the request from my boss to stay late. 2 days in a row now. Previously I was threatened with disciplinary action if I had OT.
I’m not liking this though. I stay late to work on my own shit. Not projects that the co-workers are neglecting.
Back to Crystal, she’s never learned to to use “fuck it” properly. I’m working my way back to using it more. It’s going to get me in trouble. Oh, fuck it. Yeah, that works…
I was so angry when I left work today that I considered cleaning out my desk and leaving a fuck you note.
I was offered 3 opportunities to leave. 3 different companies want me based solely on my reputation for being a solid work horse, team playing, get it done-er-er. I want to stay close to home. I’m sick of changing jobs every couple of years. Nobody is faithful anymore. Or is my staying proof that I’m just too lazy to move on?
I gave a co-worker a ride to the closest cross street to his home. I completely downloaded on him. I apologized without apologizing and remarked that my complaining was really making me look like a douche. He laughed and thanked me for the ride. I asked him how much I owed him for the therapy… He said no charge. Funny.
The other day I randomly gave out some unsolicited parenting advice. Halfway through my thought, my brain stopped me and screamed “shut the fuck up!” I stammered and finished the thought anyway.
The parent I was speaking to said thanks and that he was seriously going to look into the alt methods of helping his hyper active son that I had pointed him toward. So I helped? I still felt douchy.
A couple of months ago I had a dream where Crystal called me a douche bag. At that point I had prety much reserved the term for, Well, douche bags… I was so taken aback by it that I told her about it. She happily calls me douche bag when she thinks she’s being silly. At first I thought she was, now it’s just annoying. She and I aren’t friends. We’re workplace friendly. It’s OK.
I listen to people in the cells around me talk all day and I often feel like I am surrounded by douches. Rude to each other, on the phone, behind each other’s backs… It’s awful. I feel like I’m getting sucked in by the negativity I am surrounded by.
There’s a new smelly bitch at work too. I want to yell at her, but true to who I am, instead I avoid her so that I don’t rock the boat. She’s nice enough, but either too stupid to understand that her stink makes me sick, or she’s a douche right along with the rest of us. It’s sad.
The positive outcome… I have started having a real heartfelt appreciation for douchebaggery in general. Interesting, but not really…