You probably wouldn’t know this but I was born March 2, 1960. It was a Wednesday. Go figure then that this Wednesday is just as great as the Wednesday I was born on.
I wasn’t wanted by my mother, she got pregnant 3 months before she got married. It was a shotgun wedding. She didn’t really want to marry my biological father but since the man of her heart was away in prison and she got pregnant, she had to get married.
She always said that even though she loves us, my brother and I, if she had to do all over again, she wouldn’t have had us. At least if she didn’t have me, she wouldn’t have had a daughter who has problems in her head. The daughter, me, wouldn’t have been sexually abused as a child and abused by her at times too.
I wouldn’t have had to hear that story over and over again from her about really wanting to be with that boy from long ago. Her father had forbid her to be with him. He did like my father though. I love you Gramps but you did not have good taste. haha
My counselor says that I detach my self too much. That I need to connect with my feelings. I need to cry when things are sad and get a little angry when something really bothers me. Ha! I have spent most all of my life doing that, why start this now?
From my mother constantly saying to me, ‘stop crying. Be strong. Don’t be a crybaby.’ to ‘oh you are never the strong one’ and ‘how come you are not like your brother?’ After close to 55 years, I think I’ve got it down pat.
Do I want to be unhappy? No way! Am I unhappy, you betcha. Do I find other ways to at least try to be happy, to laugh? Sometimes. Most times I just nod my head, put a smile on my face, sometimes giggle when I am anxious, and go on. The feelings don’t go away. They just add up inside my head.
Some of the meds I am on is supposed to help but I am not sure they do. I have started to go on a diet to lose weight. I bought walking shoes to help and to make myself at least feel pretty, I bought a little makeup and lotions. Nothing big and maybe I will use them. I have a tendency to feel blah and forget that I have those.
Please don’t mistake my ‘blahness’ as being lazy. I still do things around the house and of course vent on here but I don’t feel anymore.
I read my husbands facebook messages this morning. He deleted his previous conversations with Rhonda and made it seem like he just started talking to her today. I know that he wrote her this morning as her response was an answer to his. When someone writes out of the blue ‘I miss you more’ and he writes back ‘never more!!!’ it pretty much tells me that he wrote her and that he really really misses her. Will he tell me like he said he would? I haven’t heard a word from him about it. Another testament of honesty and openness and how he really feels toward me.
I guess I will live through another day….maybe. My psych doctor said that it was okay to have those suicide thoughts, just don’t dwell on them. But when I am feeling lost, alone and unloved, what am I supposed to feel? I don’t know.
I guess I will leave here for a bit, make the bed that I didn’t do when I first got up and sweep the upstairs floors. If I get there that is. I most likely will but it is hard.
Until next time…I am signing off. See ya maybe Thursday.