I hate this, and don’t understand it.

This is so unbelievably hard. I can’t even really describe it. As long as they are easily accessible, I think it’s impossible… As much as I want this, as BAD as I want to break free from it, and how much I want to be able to look at you, and tell you I am clean, it’s like all of that desire, drive and determination is COMPLETELY silenced in an instance. It’s like muscle memory and a visceral feeling to survive take over, and I continue to use. With you still supporting me, and giving me words of encouragement and hope, this almost instinct consumes my mind. This will not work, I can’t have access at all. I am going to have to go through the pain of withdrawal, the funny thing is I want it so bad. I want to feel all that pain and discomfort, because every minute that passes is another minute towards freedom…I am going to do my best to take as little as possible over the next couple weeks. Then I have a two week period where I won’t have access, I will start an even more drastic titration regimen at that time. At the end of that, I am taking at least a week off work, if I have any left at this time, they will be flushed down the toilet, and I am going to go through withdrawals for the last. Fucking. Time. in my life. After the physical part starts to get better, I will need to work on my mind. My brain has been changed, reading that post last night, I broke down, I had the most hopeless feeling I have ever experienced. The mind can heal tho, I just need to allow it time to do so. I will need help, I am at the very least going to seek out a counselor who specializes in addiction, I would probably be wise to seek out a good group/meeting as well, as much as I feel like I don’t fit in there, I do… I am disappointed I couldn’t do it. I have stuck to my schedule so well, but something happened, my mind just turned on me, no matter how bad I wanted to push through and not take any, I literally felt helpless. I want to be done with these so bad, it’s going to be hard. But if I ever want a normal life, if I ever want to truly be myself, and if I ever hope to even think of having my family back, I have to choose life over this addiction.

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