Twists and turns…waiting on results. Tried the cold turkey route and it didn’t work, but now on the drug I feel just as agitated as I did off, I am just not going AS crazy. It was hard and there was no way I could’ve made it out and now we have reason to believe I have Lyme disease or another co-infection. I fit the bill…. I have all the symptoms and I was going nuts before benzos and I’ve never had a benzo work for me like it does others… it just makes me sleep and if I take it during the day….hell on earth.
I’m going to try to write in this as much as I can as I have one that is public but this one I want to keep private. And one day maybe if I get better I will share it with you….
There were many moments when I was mad/upset felt used, angry I didn’t understand how you could leave me when I got sick. I got mad because we couldn’t be together anymore and the bond that we shared was so strong. I said mean things to you, mean things to other people about you because I was angry..I was hurt inside that you left me, but you didn’t. I had to leave because I got too sick and it wasn’t fair to you, you’re not in the right place to be with someone who is sick and I don’t know how long I will be sick for or how much worse it’s going to get. Some days I have no idea how I make it through each day, I really really don’t. But I guess I do it because on the days I have a good day I think about how deeply it would affect you if I was gone.
I couldn’t even put into words what I’ve experienced and still experience everyday…but when I am with you, you take every single bit of it away. Every single second I spend with you means so much to me you don’t even know. I know every time we see each other we try to hold out, we try to not give in but there’s some unstoppable force that draws us back in. You touch my back then eventually we kiss and then we look at each other and say we can’t do this anymore, that we can’t be doing this anymore because it hurts too much. But we don’t stop.
Then after we’ve already gone too far and the act is over I lay there in your arms and you tell me how much you miss me in the bed that was ours every single night. And we just lay there and I kiss you and tell you how much I miss it too. We admit that we both cuddle something every night wishing it was the other person. I tell you it’s sad that this is the depressing part, we get up and we put our clothes on. I get ready to leave…I’d stay if I had my medication with me but I don’t so I have to go and it’s almost midnight.
You sit down in a chair and I tell you it’s the last time… that I have to put you in the friend zone because it’s killing me inside. You beg me not to do that, anything but that. Then you grab me and pull me on your lap and tell me how happy I make you, how beautiful I am, how you love everything about me, how you love my smile, my laugh, my sense of humor, that you don’t want it to end. You ask me how can someone like me be attracted to you? I tell you that you’re handsome, you make me feel happiness whenever I am around you, you’ve never put me down you just let me be me, that I love the way it feels when you hold me, and that I find you attractive and intelligent.
You tell me it’s not ideal and you know why it’s hard. You tell me you are so happy when you see me, then sad once I’m gone and for a few days, then the next week you tell yourself you can do this on your own, and then you miss me and we see each other again. We kiss some more and I hold back tears as I tell you I’m still in love with you, and you say you’re still in love with me too. That you don’t want anyone else, that you’ve never felt this way about anyone else that there’s something about me you just don’t know what it is but you love everything about me. I’ll hold back tears some more and tell you that if this is what we have to do just for now then this is what we have to do, we have no control over it, the timing isn’t right but we still love each other. Then I get up to go knowing that I wish I could stay and stay forever, that deep inside I hope one day I will be well enough to stay and be with you forever instead of sleep on this couch sick.