I think I might be one of those people with a delayed reaction to things—
that has got to be it because while I know I am still young by all standards and I don’t feel old– I feel duped by life — at the moment– it’s the strangest thing — I sat out to do something in my mid 20’s and I didn’t believe in my self I was so self conscious and angry because the whole time I thought I wasn’t good enough and that I didn’t fit in. I decided to start an artist collective thinking that strength in numbers was a good thing and that leaning on people with a singular vision could make me stronger and through it opportunities would emerge.
Let me say that as much as this happened it just didn’t happen. Let me just say that I had the realization smack me in the face yesterday but I had my first inklings a year and half ago when people started to do what a lot of people in their 30’s do — have children and more marriage.
Now I am very much interested and supportive in those things — don’t get me wrong — it’s just I sat myself up as a sacrificial lamb of sorts and decided that I would keep my vows to the collective and I felt great as long as everyone was tracking along. The result of the artist collective have been creating a startup, gaining one of the closest friends I’ve ever had, pushing myself in ways I never knew I could.
The flip side is that the startup still isn’t off the ground after 8 years, my best friend had a baby so she’s in baby land, and all the skills I’ve gained still have to be packaged into my resume and I’ve had so many sub-par jobs along the way– I now need a real life job instead of working in a restaurant unemployed dreaming or working at jobs that were way below my skill level and weren’t going anywhere and hoping that one day things would pay off.
I realize by not leaning on my self I set my self up — I realized that all these years my friend and I had this deal, we would always help each other out in times of need.
Well I got into a “times of need” but this time her family had to come first as she works freelance and so does her partner and they have to put all things into the family and the baby.
I felt like wow— I’ve done so much work on this — put my heart and soul into this been networking like crazy for “US” and now it’s all about her family thing– and not to say that I don’t get why it’s important I have been supportive — but the truth is I didn’t build in flexibility and realize things could — change!
I sound like such a brat I know — the truth is by not taking care of my self first and foremost and going in my own direction on some level and by sacrificing for everyone elses vision and dreams — albeit my dreams were in there too– it’s like I missed so many other opportunities. BUT the past is the past.
That’s the hardest part — I am at a crossroads in my life where I NEED an opportunity even if it’s starting from the bottom and working my way up– I have to start and I need to start fresh and on my own with no distractions and focus on how to move forward on my own. Or even an opportunity that utilizes all the skills I’ve gained.
That just seems so hard to me as I feel like I have been working hard and so to start again seems to pejorative. To be by myself tethered to not a child or family.
But that’s why I needed to journal to get it out of my system my thoughts and emotions regarding change and how it seems to affect me on this deep level — once I set my mind to understand that the change is/has/will happen I can find peace but as the cloud of change moves across my own personal sky, I’m only okay after the rain — I want to have a positive look on change — perhaps back to the therapist chair I will go — but when I woke up this morning I felt different the thought on my mind – last year my friend had a baby no big deal and yet such a big deal to me.
The baby is another reminder that things can change significantly like when I lost a parent 8 years ago and rocked my world, it’s another reminder that it is so important to take care of oneself — as you never know what’s going to happen – it’s a reminder to THINK ON THE THINGS I TRULY WANT FOR MYSELF– and not making it about others or any other co-dependent dribble.
Now what do I want for myself???– that is the question — and that will remain a secret for now — but I can say this– I want for myself not what my friends have I have a special dream that resonates deep within me that takes me on the adventure I want that is what I was thinking about at 15 years of age (but with more wisdom and passion) that takes me to the ocean, the music festival, my lovers arms, that takes me to aromatherapy and essential oils, that takes me to herbalism and folk festivals, that takes me to storytelling and think tanks a fulfilling job gainfully paid and or employed, that takes me anywhere but dwelling on the past and mistakes — and takes me forward — maybe there will be a baby and family obligations — but I need to just focus on the PASSION/HARD WORK/AMBITION — no distractions no derivatives and NO LESS FOR MY SELF and my personal preservation! AMEN!!!