Cold Turkey

After my post last night, my thoughts today were I wish something drastic would happen, I wish things would change fast. Well as I thought more about what I wrote, I realized nothing drastic is just going to happen, change won’t take place unless i instigate it. I sat down to try and write a list of all the things I want to work on, I couldn’t get past number 1. Get clean. I started thinking about my “plan” for getting clean. It revolves around the idea that the timing will be right, along with the circumstances. Then I realized, how often do my plans actually pan out? When is there ever a perfect time to do it? There’s not… Life will always happen, and as long as I use that as an excuse, I will continue to use… So I have decided to try and quit cold turkey, in the middle of my work week, I have the kids tomorrow, you and I are going to see a movie Thursday. This is life, if I accept that these are as good as my circumstances will ever get, short of taking a month off work, I will be better off. I am going to use the Thomas Recipe which a lot of people say does help. I am going to take my last pills tonight after work, and give whatever I have left to my sister so I don’t have access. The battle will be at work. 8 hours I have to survive, then after that I won’t have a choice. I am not thinking to far ahead, I am going to deal with each moment as it comes. I am going to fight with everything I have in me to just do the damn thing. There is nothing to wait for, it’s going to suck bad, and the mental battle is going to be nearly impossible. I am just going to try and hold on to this feeling I have now, this raw feeling of wanting this so bad, no matter what I have to go through. I am going to try and write, a lot during this time. I want to describe everything I go through on these pages, get it all out, process it rationally, and perhaps remind myself that it is only temporary. Even if I suffer for weeks, or a couple months, what is that compared to the rest of my life? Remember that. Let’s do this.

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