Making life happen.

After some of the conversations we have had lately, about moving and stuff. And since I have set myself aside long enough to realize how special you truly are, I can’t help but wonder some things. What was I meant to do? What kind of life was etched out for me? Before I met you, I was just a drug addict, no drive or determination to do anything really. Even after I met you, I continued like this for the most part. Somehow I made it through nursing school, but I never really looked at myself, and what I was doing, who I was and where I had been, and who I wanted to be. After talking to you, I realized that I basically sit back and let life happen to me. This scared the shit out of me… When you told me you were wanting to move so you don’t waste the rest of your life here, it really hit me fucking hard. It made me think, is that me? Do I have all these hopes and dreams, but no drive or gumption to make them happen? Do I talk about all the things I want to do but nothing ever happens? Am I at risk of living a life in which I think I am trapped and can’t escape, only one day to realize I am the trapper? And it’s too late… And to think that I have held you back all these years, even just from traveling and having fun. I used to think I was special for whatever reason, but as I learn more and more, I realize you are special, you make life happen, and I realize I am honestly a little pathetic… I’m really not trying to feel sorry for myself, because that cultivates no change. I am realizing the reality of things, this twisted view I have had of myself, you and life in general is sick, but worse it’s sad. If I don’t take control, and start being the driver of my life, I am going to die a sad and miserable person one day. I hope one day, I really can be a special person, to you. I hope we can live this life together exactly the way we want to, and not think we are trapped and tied down like I used to think. One day, I will have the drive, determination and passion to do anything. I still have hopefully many years left in this life, I never want another one to pass me by as I sit there, making excuses and thinking I am living.

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