I wish I could say that my relationship to the Knight remained unaffected by this. However, I would have to be lying. There was this inner struggle of having something on my mind I can’t share with him, soon accompanied by a growing anger and a feeling of being caged. It was not his fault – he had no clue what was going on – but I somehow blamed him for not being able to act upon my feelings.
From the beginning he had been aware of my deepening friendship with the Witcher – after all, I had done nothing to hide it. I could have never disguised someone important entering my life, especially not from him, who knew me best of all. He is not a jealous person – his remark about hurting the Witcher had been merely a joke, our usual playful bickering, unknowingly hitting a newly formed soft spot. I knew that he thought about jealousy the same way I did, seeing it as futile as best and harmful at worst, never preventing certain deeds already decided upon and sometimes triggering others out of pure defiance. If I would cheat on him, I would have to leave. This being clarified early in our relationship, there was no use in acting like I had not understood.
In leaving me my freedom he did the right thing, because otherwise I would have left him long ago. But now for the first time I was facing this invisible border, set up long ago. It was like realizing for the first time that I was, after all, in chains. I was afraid, very afraid that my relentless desire of freedom would force me to break my chains and run away one day. I still loved the Knight. This may be incomprehensible for many of you – how could I love him while being in love with someone else? I can only say that for me, it worked. I would have not thought it possible before, but it had happened and it felt right. Well, it would have felt right, if there wouldn’t have been the need to hide it and the fact that what I was feeling was socially inacceptible. The thing standing between me and the Knight was not my feelings for another man, it was the secret I was compelled to have.