Feeling Lost

I’ve come to realize that no one before Sir has ever affected me the way that He affects me.  When I’m around Him it’s like nothing bad will happen (I’m smart enough to know that isn’t realistic but it’s how I feel).  I feel protected.  Safe.  Even when things do go wrong they aren’t bad because I’m sharing that experience with Him.  I feel more connected to Him than anyone I’ve ever known, even my Dad.  I need to learn to embrace the fact that I’m spending time with Him RIGHT NOW, in this moment!  I HAVE to stop thinking about all the time I won’t have with Him but if He chooses to keep me, I’d be the happiest submissive in the world.

I’m really struggling with feelings of not being good enough for Him.  He’s so smart, like genius smart.  He has life experience that I can only imagine having.  He has his Masters degree and He’s 25.  That’s amazing to me.  I feel like He’s so out of my league He just hasn’t realized it yet.  I’ve told Him a couple times that I feel like He’s dating down.  He says He doesn’t feel that way.  I believe Him but I don’t understand Him, yet.

I feel like He’s going to think I’m a lot of work or broken or unfix-able.  I’m none of that really but I am sensitive.  Strong but sensitive.  Overwhelmed at the moment.  I also worry about the open relationship.  I want to give Him that, give us that but I’m having a lot of trouble with that too.  I know I definitely don’t like seeing marks on Him from another woman.  That’s not His place.  It really, really offended me when He said she was biting Him and grabbing Him.  I wanted to punch her in her face.  Yet thinking of him fucking someone else is a turn on.  I get tingly just thinking about it.  I’m okay with the idea of an open relationship but I’m having trouble with the reality of it.

My face to face talking skills have worsened over the years with ex-husband.  I was talking to a wall with him.  I just gave up.  I lost so much of myself with him.  He was only responsive via email or text mostly.   I’m working on speaking my thoughts but I still find it easier to put words down because I’m so used to it and I can work out my thoughts.  When I’m speaking on the spot my mind just freezes and my thoughts and words trip over each other.  At least that’s how it happens in my mind.

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