Sometimes I truly amaze myself. Although my day has been abnormal I’m not feeling down. A little tired and irritable but not down.
I went into work for about 5 hours. As I started entering all of the bills I told myself that it didn’t even make sense for me to be there. Everything that I wanted to get done wasn’t going to get done anyway. And if it did, it wouldn’t be good enough. So I decided to do what I felt like doing and rolled out. Now point in worrying about them any longer. On to the next.
I then went to pay my phone bill, exchanged some stuff at the store, then realized I hadn’t eaten all day so I took myself to outback and had a small steak and broccoli. Came home and started packing. I wanted to do my hair but I think I’ll just get up and do it in the morning. I gotta make sure I don’t forget to do my I9 verification for the new job at 2pm.
None of that sounded too bad, I know. And it wasn’t. But the phone call I received from my mother was really bad. Over the past 10 years my mom has not been herself. I realized she was addicted to prescription pain meds probably 5-6 years ago. Periodically she’d call or text my sister and I and apologize for absolutely nothing. Saying she messed up our lives. Then would flip and tell us how we don’t care about her. For a long time I didn’t know how to handle her. I still don’t. But I’d been saying that something, some kind of guilt, was getting at her but I didn’t know what it was. Well, today she called and told me that I was molested as a baby. And the way she was talking it went on for a few years. Idk who this guy Nate was, but that’s who she said did it. Some things didn’t add up but it’s believable because of the amountof guilt she’s been living with. She still doesn’t know about the other things that happened to me and I’ll never tell her but I hope and pray this make her feel better. She sweats I’m running from whatever problems I have and that’s why I’m moving. I tried to tell her that I’m fine. I mean I got a good job offer! That’s why I’m moving. I’m single, I don’t have any young kids, why do I need to stay here? I don’t. I don’t understandwhy she feels like I have such a horrible life because I’m truly blessed. Idk. I love her and I just want her to get better. Unfortunately I have no control over it.
I cried a lil but I’m good. I called my Twin and talked it out with her. I really am ok. I still had a good day because I refused to let the devil have his way. The future is way too bright to focus on such a dark past. I won’t allow myself to do it.