Okay… So, I am going to start keeping this online journal. I am viewing this as a place to share my thoughts… A way to get out all of the things that float around in my head on any given day. Be ware… There is no telling what is bound to come out. I may even surprise myself!
Where to begin…
About 5 months ago, my life was flipped upside down. Everything that I knew as normal was turned on it’s head. My husband of 12 years had been unfaithful to me. (That bastard! I know right?!?) I won’t even get in to how bad it was, but y’all, it was BAD. Initially, I tried to handle it. Process the information as quickly as possible and move on. It just seemed that, either God or the Devil had a completely different plan. It was one thing after the other. No sooner than I try to deal with one problem, did something else come up. It was like, I was never able to get a grip on any one thing before here came something else. I was on an emotional roller coaster that was driven by hurt and betrayal and I couldn’t find the switch to turn the ride off. I was unrecognizable to myself and those around me. And not only because I had lost 20 lbs and was looking real “Slim Shady-ish”. But because I would just fall apart at any given moment. I can not count the number of times friends had to help me up off the floor, tell me to breathe before I hyperventilate, or simply “Friend, you have to get out of that bed today” Not only was I physically sick from the stress, but I had reached a point of complete despair. Even though I knew the cause and the culprit, I just could not seem to detach myself from the situation.
Fast forward to today. Today… I am a mess. Not the complete mess that stared back at me in May… June… July, but still a mess none-the-less. I have not mastered control of my emotions. Some of my interactions with my husband are still very much driven by hurt. I often sit and ask God, “is it going to be like this forever?” “Is this hurt mine to keep?”
Today I’m recalling a passage in the bible that goes something like … “Consider it a gift when tests and challenges come your way. Because it’s under pressure that your faith-life is forced into the open…. Don’t’ try to get out of anything prematurely, let it do it’s work in you. Pray to the father for strength and he will help you.”
While I am a Christian and believe in God and his awesome power whole-heartedly, I struggle with this scripture. I don’t find any joy in my current situation. Nor am I happy it happened to me. I struggle to find peace and strength daily. Even though I know God says it’s readily available to me. I struggle with forgiving, forgetting and moving on. I often feel this baggage is mine to keep and it’s going to follow me around for the rest of my life, dictating the terms of my relationships, success and personal development. Is that irrational? That I am thinking this is going to be a burden to me forever. Is it contradictory to what I should believe as a Christian?
I am a work in progress. Not exactly sure who I am becoming, but absolutely certain I can not remain who I was. I have to much potential to allow THIS to destroy me. God has a purpose for my life and if this has to be part of it… then OKAY!
“God’s glory and your comfort do not always go together” ~Jeremy Foster
Recently, we were challenged by the untimely death of a 25 year old, to live a life of YES. Today, I’m committed to that way of thinking and living. YES. If it honors God… Then YES. If it grows me and stretches my way of thinking… Then YES. If it makes me and my existence in this world better… Then YES.
I am NOT a victim. THIS is not going to define me. I have a purpose to fulfill and service still left to do, and I can’t do that looking back to a pile of rubble that can’t be erased or put back together. No longer settling for who I was but determined to break down the walls and begin to focus on who I can become. I am excited about the journey. Mistakes and all.. LET’S DO IT!!