I needed a new place to write the things I never say.

I feel unloveable.

I don’t know when it started all I know is thats how I feel now and have felt this way for sometime. I cannot trust men, its holding me back, but i cannot bring myself to trust someone with my heart again for fear of rejection/betrayal a few months/years down the line. 

I feel its important to point out i wasn’t always like this, scared. I used to be care free and gave my heart willingly as a teen, maybe that was my undoing, I had boyfriends. Some where bad, some I wasn’t bothered when they went, some were good, but only one I loved. You know that first love the one that you fall into so willingly and you blindly believe it will last forever, as only teenagers can. I am still friends with him, we don’t socialise anymore but we say hello and have quick catch ups when we pass each other in the street. I don’t blame him.

I blame the last semi serious boyfriend i had… now you maybe thinking its wrong of me to assign blame but tough I’m going to! It started of well and i thought hey heres a solid reliable guy whos eyes dont wander… well that where i went wrong assuming thats the type of guy he is. When we broke up he wanted me to get angry at him, which was strange… why do you want me to get angry its not gonna change or help the situation. Then i remembered ever since he came back from his lads holiday to a notorious greek party island he’d acted super shady and was borderline ignoring me. 2 days after he got back i left for a family holiday. and 2 days after that we’d both be heading back to uni. Moving in day happens and I’m back at uni and he’s not one bit bothered about seeing me so obviously i get the lovely sick feeling us girls get when we see the end is nigh. Regardless we go out to a favoured club. i end up leaving in tears because I’m watching my so-called boyfriend flirt with another girl in front of me. the next day we break up and the weird conversation happens. I suspect he cheated on me a few times. he told me he didnt but i just wasnt buying it. anyway that not the reason, the reason is he changed after we broke up. He became a totally different person, that just made me think that he’s a fake person who changes himself on a whim. i felt deflated the person i once cared for either no longer existed or never had in the first place. That was the part i couldn’t deal with. i questioned everything about myself after that i clearly couldn’t trust my own judgement so i stopped dating and hear i am 6 years later still single and still choosing all the wrong guys. 

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