Why do I fear God?

Since I was younger I have been looking to find good. I remember always wondering “What is god? I never felt like I was close to him. I am from Mexico, and here, the majority of the population is raced catholic, I was baptized catholic but never actually went to church; my grandfather would do a family ceremony at home on Sundays, it was a mix between meditation, mantra chanting, bible reading, and metaphysics, that was followed by a big family breakfast. But somewhere along the ride I grew a big rejection to everything related to God, I think that in the past, the only relation I had with God was through the church, that was the only thing I knew about him, and I didn’t agreed on lots of things the church will say, so I choose no to believe in God. I didn’t want to come close to a punishing God, who would sent me to hell for not being good, who never answer my prayers, and who never gave me what I wanted. But where did I learn that? My parents didn’t teach me that, we were not religious like that, they never made me go to church, I am not confirmed, nor had a first communion… How did I came to reject God? Where did I learned that he was a punisher God, a vindictive God?

Even to this day, I am still a bit afraid to ask for his help, I am terrified that he will ask me to give up something, like for example, If ask God to help me forgive, he will keep sending me people that will hurt me so I can learn how to forgive, If I ask God to help me find Joy, I’m terrified that God will send me “bad” experiences, like loosing a leg in an accident so that I can appreciate what I don’t have anymore, or give me a “near death experience” so I can learn to appreciate life. So I am actually terrified to come close to God, to pray for help.

But even though I’m afraid, I’m trying to find a connection with God, not to any church, just God. I’ve found myself praying for help and not knowing if God was even listening. I have felt like he has abandoned me too. One night I was crying with a friend, I told her, I don’t feel like God is in me, I feel like no one listens to my prayers. And she said, next time you feel like God has left you, touch your neck, feel your pulse, there is where God is, in your heartbeat!…I few nights before, I was feeling really sad, couldn’t stop crying, and I said: Ok, God, I really need you tonight, I really need your help, so I touched my pulse, and I couldn’t even feel it!!! I could not feel my pulse! God has totally left me, I thought. I spent the next days feeling even worse, why wasn’t he giving me answers, why wasn’t he listening to my prayers? Nobody ever taught me how to talk to God, Maybe I wasn’t praying correctly. But then, a few days after this, I was sitting quietly in my room, and I noticed my wrist, it was pulsating so hard I could even see it. I was like, Wow! there it is! I was so happy, I draw a little heart right in that spot. That same day went to get my first tattoo, a little heart on both of my wrists, so I would never forget that there is God, in my heartbeat! And on the days that I struggle with my faith, this will be a remainder.

God has shown me he is here with me, he has mysterious ways to show up, I guess we just need to be open to see it, we need to surrender to him, Let Go and let GOD. And right here is where my struggle is, I want to say that I have surrender to him, but I know I that I honestly haven’t completely. I see that I’m still having a hard time letting God.

My father will always say: God does not give you what you want, He gives you what you need, and this is where I don’t always agree, because sometimes I just want what I want, I want him to give me what I want, I keep asking why can’t I never get what I want. And sometimes, I still feel like he is punishing me by not giving me those things, instead of feeling like he is giving me something better, I don’t have faith that he knows better, I don’t understand his ways a lot of the times. And this is where my battle is, I can not surrender if I don’t have complete faith, because if I did had faith, it will be easier to surrender. I am too stubborn to surrender. And I don’t say this proudly, this is where I’m struggling, I want to have faith, I want to surrender, and I don’t get why I am not being able to do it. I want to open my heart and find him, and I don’t get why sometimes I still feel so separated from God. I hope that by learning more about God, I will come to this point of having complete faith, of not being afraid of him, of not having doubts. I want to come to the point of being able stop the need to know why things happen the way they do, and just trust that God does know what is best for me.

I am still learning, I’m looking for answers, looking for ways to get closer to God, to change my old perceptions about him, I need him in my life… Recently I was told I need a to find a spiritual teacher, but how do you find a teacher?… Again, my father and his wise words, he has told me, The teacher comes when the student is ready! I want to be ready!!!

In this searching process, I came across Caroline Myss (You will read a lot about her in my next posts), I have been listening to an audio that a friend gave me, called “Spiritual power, Spiritual Practice”, it was a great help, I see I’m not the only one who is afraid of God, of guidance, I see that if I keep praying to learn forgiveness God will keep sending me situations where I will be required to get hurt in order to forgive. I just need to learn how to pray, and accept the situations that I have been send to in order to grow. Like Caroline Myss says:

The role of your path is not settle and know why things happen as they do, but to give up the need to know why things happen as they do. That is what spiritual mastery is all about.

People sabotage their spiritual path because we are frightened of this, we are frightened of this thing called God, because this energy called God, will change, does change our physical life, that is the way it is, and here comes another level of empowerment:What is Guidance? Where do we get our direction? where does it comes from? how do we know when our life is being directed to either one way or another? Here again, is the challenge of trust, the more trust you have the more absurd things will be required of you, it’s the way it goes, the most trust you have, the more preposterous actions the Gods will ask of you, and there is a reason for this, and that is that If I were to ask you to do something, and I asked you because you had an expertise in it, there is a really good change we were going to have a challenge in our hands, because it would be your expertise vs. mine, or your will vs. mine, but there is also this other risk, whereas if I ask one of you who knows nothing about it, your dependency on my guidance would be 100 %, and the guidance will flew through you because you were totally vulnerably in my hands, now that is a supreme act of trust in your part, that I will come through and give you everything you need to know. And that is why the Gods probably draft people, that the more evolved you get, the more absurd your task becomes in terms of your personality, more profound in terms of your soul.

Where do we get guidance? How do you know? you can assume the following because is truth,

Guidance exist at all times, there isn’t a moment when there is is no guidance, guidance is very subtle.

The core question is Are you empowered enough to hear guidance? So this where self examination, the discipline comes in, which is Why do you fear guidance? Guidance is non stop, the question then is Why do YOU fear guidance? Why do I fear the guidance I’m getting? That is what you want to examine! Not where is the guidance, but why do I fear it.

The challenge is for people to admit that they will not accept guidance as guidance, unless it warranties the safe journey. You need to admit that to yourselves; I know exactly why I am afraid to hear from you and now I need to know why. Here is that level of the power, I must have the power to listen to the guidance, I’ve got to be empowered to listen to the guidance, Where do you go with that?, you go into the discipline of looking at your attachments, of looking at your fears: I am terrified, I’m terrified that you are going to ask me to do something that makes me vulnerable to this world, that exposes me. I’m terrified that you are going to ask me to do something that requires my physical body become ill to serve you, I’m terrified that you are going to ask me to give up everything I own, in order to serve you. So I will come closer to you, if you promise me that the exchange will be fair, but I am terrified to really relinquish my will to you, because I have no warranty, no promise from you, that the journey will be safe. All I know it hasn’t been for most people who have done this, so how do I handle this? Most of us put ourselves in a faith crisis deliberately. When they say the answer is within us, it is as simple as that, it is within recognizing I don’t want the answers to the prayers I’m saying. I don’t want the guidance to the guidance I’m asking for. My counsel to you, again and again, is turn it upside down. Reverse what you are praying for, reverse it! When you say: give me guidance on X, Y, or Z, turn it upside down, and ask, What would be the more frightening guidance I could hear on X, Y, Z?… Pray in reverse, reverse it! And you’ll get to know yourself much better. The reversal practice is the way to get into your heart without your mind seen it. Your defense mechanism mentally aren’t prepared for the reverse. And when you say in a prayer “I want to know why I’m afraid of you”, and not “Show me the way to come closer”, you are going to get a different quality of answers, you’ve just asked for a whole new set of experiences, to teach you an insight, that you weren’t prepared to look at it before, because you never admitted to yourself, I am afraid of this very thing I claim I want which is consciousness.

– Caroline Myss, “Spiritual power, Spiritual Practice”

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