The Witcher and I continued our daily Skype breakfast as if nothing had happened. The question whether we were indeed just friends again or not was never addressed. In June I spent a week at the capital to do some work and during that time I was staying at his place, just as we had planned months ago.
I had been looking forward to our time together, but with this new change in my life, things between us became odd, mainly because of me. I was shutting myself away, sometimes downright ignoring him, emotionally preparing myself for doing what had to be done…
There was a decision to make. I could not keep both. For the months and possibly years to come I wanted no emotional distractions, no frequent trips between two men I loved. As soon as I had accepted this the choice was obvious. I was and still am confident that it was the only way. The Knight was, besides the heavily weighing fact of being the father of my child, settled down in life and wanted nothing more than being a father. The Witcher, in contrast, was in no way ready to have a child in his life. No matter what he would say facing the situation, the fact remained that he still valued his freedom.
I had not figured out how to confront him about it, but was beaten to the draw anyway.
On the last day of my visit to him, he handed me a book on pregnancy – the only one on the topic I have ever read – and a baby-sized hoodie.
“I don’t want to lose you.”
After all those occasions he had empathically miscalculated, this act hit right home. It broke my heart. Nevertheless, my decision had been made. I didn’t want him to choose a life he was not yet ready for.
“Don’t you understand? From now on I will be a mother first and my own person second. This is so much more important than the two of us. You have to let me be, give me one year’s time at least, before I can even think about how things between us will be thenceforward.”
I turned away from him, fixed my gaze on the wall when I said:
“I know you don’t want to lose me.
But you will.”
End of Chapter 1