Early Sept 2015

Well here it goes, my first journal entry.  I have a lot going on and things are just a blur to me. My brain wont shut off and my thoughts run wildly.

To start off this adventure I am in a relationship that doesnt really feel good.  My partner has anger issues and has always had these, over time I tend to just ignore them and move on but life doesnt seem to always let me forget that there is this issue.  He doesnt enjoy anything I do and I’m ignored pretty much daily (less he wants sex). We have been together almost 10 years and as time goes on it hasnt changed but I’ve been settled into this relationship and for most of it just content. Thats the run down on that aspect.

On other hand I am a furry. Proud and enjoy going to cons and traveling. I love meeting new people and going out with friends. I am very social and enjoy being so. I will never change. This is ME. I dress up in suits and go out on events.  I have always been outspoken to the point its gotten me into trouble but I mean well. Lol sometimes. I have a big heart and would probably go bankrupt for helping others before myself. I enjoy drawing and watching movies but who doesn’t? (cough cough bf) I dont play many video games but sadly am addicted to my phone/facebook.  I check it constantly tho nothing usually has changed. I think this has turned into my safe zone. After bf  goes into a fit or plays his video games for HOURS in another room I tend to just go to the phone. Now I feel its what I always do. I hope to break this habit. I am currently 5 months pregnant which I feel will complicate my life a whole lot more. It wasnt planned but do kinda look forward to this new journey.  Though it scares me more than anything. Especially with bfs anger issues. Kids dont listen and that concerns me with him. Plus theres an emotional issue with me and him.  I feel I no longer love him. I have found someone else…..UGH Its a horrible statement but being treated so poorly has sent me to another direction and have found someone that shares a LOT of things in common with me and not only that, but has never yelled, badmouthed me or just made me feel worthless…He texts me nearly every day telling me that he cares for me, he wishes that our future could be together, that no matter how I look I look good to him…..The conversations are endless. I have known him for almost a year and half now.  I met him at a Furcon in 2014. We have kept in contact ever since.  We’ve gone out to a few dinners and have just enjoyed eachothers time together. He tells me I’m beautiful and he makes me smile. We share the love of furries and being social along with a spark between us that just is hard to describe.

I have stood up when others wouldnt for my current bf.  Everyone has told me he isnt good and the way he treats me is poorly but its not like he doesnt help either. He pays rent to help with the bills, hes helped repair the house and mows the lawn….its just when he gets into these anger fits that most people see when I have seen the other side of him. He does care but after seeing how it feels to be treated nicely, I feel that I am slipping from my currents bfs love. Not feeling afraid to pet the dog on the bed or play with the cat or hell go shopping without being treated like I’m five.

I try my hardest to find love in everyone and I enjoy being loved. I love people. But my life feels so complicated (tho dont get me wrong there are MANY lives out there much worse than me so I am not looking for pitty; I dug my own grave in this) I dont want to be this person with 2 people in their life. I do only want one, were meant for one (less you want an open relationship thats all you 🙂 )

Currently being disowned right now by the current bf who is now sleeping in the game room cause last week I put our small dog on the bed to pet him. Texts of belitting me for petting the dog on the bed cause of the fur. Mind you we have 2 cats and one Pomeranian. FUR IS EVERYWHERE.  We vacuum and clean daily but these guys shed, no matter what fur is on the bed, on me, on the floor and on the furniture. But he feels that he needs to sleep in the other room cause this upset him so. Then he texts me that he has a lot on his mind but wont talk to me and has been ignoring me for days.  In the mist of this, my new friend has been texting me telling me that tho he doesnt live close I am here in heart and that no matter what hes here for me. I turn to him in my dark hour and just want to run away to be with B. (for name sake new guy is B)  Text from B “Right now i wish i could hug and kiss you so you know how much i care about you” and text from current bf “Im sleeping on the blow up tonight….I need to wash the sheets plus you fall asleep early anyways so not like it matters.” Can you just feel that there’s something wrong?? Like is it just me?? Is it the pregnancy hormones? I just feel like I’m the bad pesron for basically being lovey to my dog. O.o

Anyways I’m sure there be more journals where I vent but this is a rundown of life right now. I cant sleep at night due to having to pee constantly or my mind wont shut off. But for now I will leave this journal to start off and will write later.

Also YES I know I dont use punctuation properly. Lol its okay I dont care LOL

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