People always want to know what it feels like, so here. There’s a slight sting at first, and you wait. Just a couple of moments. You see blood. Your heart races a little. Did you cut too deep? No. Thoughts come flooding back in. Now you know that you’ve done something you shouldn’t of. Disappointment floods into your mind. You look at the blood, and it almost puts you into a trance, almost like a melody. You feel numbed. It feels like you have a buzz. So much stress, anxiety, and tension just flows out of you. But lurking behind this feeling, are those depressing thoughts again. The depression is still there. You don’t feel like your hurting yourself. You feel like this is the only way to “take care” of yourself. But then reality kicks back in. You grab paper towel, but never a cloth towel because the stains never really come out. You press down on your cuts. It hurts but the pain feels relieving… embarrassment floods your mind. What have you done? You promised yourself you wouldn’t do it again. You make yourself sick, because once again you’ve let yourself down. You look in the mirror… disgusted. You go onto the next step. Concealing your evidence of this disgusting habit. Even if that means wearing long sleeves in the summer. Even when people ask “why don’t you ever wear short sleeves?”
I know how it exactly works. It is satisfying to cut yourself and bleed. The shocking red, the brightest thing you have in your life. So vibrant. Its your blood. You get so high off of it. My hands don’t tremble out of fear but out of anticipation. I was literally addicted to the feeling of it. The release it provided from my emotional nights, from my depressing thoughts and assumptions. All of the things that people don’t take to heart, but I do. Most people wouldn’t understand. Most people are disgusted by it. I know I was. But now? it has consumed my life. It has consumed my life like a drug does to a drug addict. The only thought that would go through my mind was that I wasn’t killing myself… I thought I was helping myself. Coping with my thoughts. But I think of it now, and in reality it was destroying me. Making me weak, almost helpless.
When I look at my scars, I see something that most people wouldn’t. I see a girl who is not looking for the attention. A girl that needs help. A girl that is trying. Trying to cope with something that has been bothering her, that is eating away at her. But no matter how hard you try, it catches up with you. Believe me, when everyone is wearing short sleeves I want to be out there wearing long sleeves too. I want to feel normal, but my thoughts are telling me differently.
My scars show my pain and suffering, but in my mind it shows my willingness to survive. To push forward. They’re part of my past…. my history.
In todays society, anything that isn’t “normal” is constantly judged on a daily basis. “Go kill yourself” is one of the most commonly things I hear. Even if you meant it in a humorous way, how do you know that they haven’t tried… Why should you be the person to judge? You’re the person that’s feeding into this judgmental society. Stop. Think about what you say before you say it. You never know what that person is feeling deep down. You don’t know what they’re thinking. And you don’t know what they have to go home to… if they have a home. You just don’t know.
Someone who cuts, doesn’t have to be “gothic” or “emo.” It can be anyone you know, maybe even someone you love. Would you want to say “go kill yourself” to someone you love. I doubt it. You might not think this, but we do try hard. So hard. To be happy. To be free from these thoughts. My one wish is to be happy, and I know I will become happy one day. And I know if you’re struggling with this too, you can relate. Don’t ever give up. There is hope, and a better future. Don’t let your thoughts get the better of you, because no matter what, there is someone in the world that loves you. You may not think it but there is. Talk to someone, scream it into a pillow, or even just write it down. Life is so much better then you think it is. Please don’t give up….