hurt

I sit here with a lot on my mind at 3am, and yet I feel at a loss of words.
I love Lance with every inch of my body, mind, and soul…I would do anything to make him happy. But for the first time since we have been together he has hurt me… I know I am not perfect and ive never claimed to be either, ive made mistakes in my past that im not proud of, I get crazy and I am a stupidly insane jealous person. And yes ive fibbed to him when we had first started dating, not excusing my behavior but when we met the ex and I had only been split for a couple months and my head and heart were so confused… but the more I was around lance the more I fell head over heels for him. I remember our first kiss first date even know the date of the first time he said he loved me. They say when you meet the one you just know… I knew the moment he grabbed my hand on our first night out. I guess that’s why when he lied to me tonight it hurt so bad… derek had played me like a fool for so long… it took a serious effect on me… I never thought id feel like a fool with lance. Ive never loved anyone the way I do lance and for him to bold face lie to me I don’t know it was like he reached into my chest and ripped my heart out… I don’t want to lose the one person that I love over another girl… and as I tell lance I do trust him, its girls I don’t trust. I stopped being bestfriends with my best guy friend, I pushed my closest sister away from me, I MOVED TO TEXAS WITH NOT KNOWING ANYONE BUT HIM, but it never fails to seem like he could always have another option to run away with, that thought alone just kills me. When will I finally be enough for someone? Ive always put my whole heart out on the line, and its always come back to bite me in the end. I just wanna feel the amount of love and respect that I always seem to give. And for it to be so easy to message another girl on stupid facebook and bold face lie to me makes me wonder with him for the first time if I am really enough. Why is love so hard. Ive stuck by him through a lot this past year helped bail him out on 2 different occasions with my own money or help from my family… and by no means am I complaining about it cause id do it again if needed. I guess im not sure where im really even going with this… I just knew I needed to start writing it down and get it out of my head. After admitting that he lied and said he was sorry it was almost as if he stabbed me In the heart again…I guess just to hear those words I thought he would never have to say to me was almost just as bad as the fact that he lied and messaged another much prettier girl then me, it seemed so natural for him to just do what he had done. I just wanna know if im really his forever… am I ever gunna get the proposal to be his wife, or am I going to be the girlfriend for now til the next better comes along?! What can I do to be the perfect girl for him? I wanna believe when he says what happened tonight wont happen ever again… but now im more insecure then ive ever felt. I guess I gotta live with fact that I might never be his “THE ONE” no matter how many times he says I am. Cobalt and him are the air I breathe so I will cherish every moment I get of this sweet little family we have, but I need to pull my heart back a little, not because I don’t love him but because I love myself enough to know that I don’t deserve to be the fool twice! Well that’s if for the night… I definitely need to keep up on writing out my thoughts and feelings again like I use to because even tho no one will read this it almost feels as a weight has been lifted off me cause these words aleast are now no longer trapped in my mind! Well hopefully off to bed I go its now 4am! Til next time journal 

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