If Lost Please Return To?

“Not all who wander are lost.” – J. R. R. Tolkien.

Sometimes I wonder if I am wandering with a purpose, or if I am just lost.

Being a twenty-something year old college kid, I find myself put under increasingly large amounts of pressure. Pressure to do better in school, pressure to make a certain amount of money, pressure to be something that I am not. These pressures come from all sorts of stimuli. They are things like my roommate, my mother, my girlfriend, my friends. It doesn’t matter who it is, it always seems to have a negative effect on my life. I constantly am feeling shameful and worthless.

This is the part where people ask me, “Well, have you tried counseling?” And this is where I hang my head and sort of mumble, “Yes”.  You see, unlike some people, counseling didn’t work for me. And medication, well it really hasn’t worked for me either. So, you could say that the system – that is supposed to help me; failed. Sometimes I lay in bed at night and pray that the next morning I don’t wake up. It feels easier, feels like a better choice. Then I remember, there is no way God hears me, remember Kendra, you’re gay. God hates gays. (Another story for another time)

Alas, there I lay, in the cold dark and wonder what it would be like if I was not around. I wouldn’t have to worry about what I was going to do with my life, when I was going to finally tell my parents I wanna marry the love of my life, and whether or not my roommate even cares. So maybe this will be an adventure through my final year as an undergraduate, or maybe it will just flop. But, here I sit hoping that maybe this works out.

2 thoughts on “If Lost Please Return To?”

  1. I think you may be worrying to much about pleasing others before pleasing yourself. It is your life not theirs, they should support you in the decisions that you make. Life is really to short to stress about so much, and please do not let taking your life be an answer to anything. All the people that you mentioned (mom, girlfriend, roomate) want the best for you I’m sure, but you are the only person that can figure out what you want. Going to college to study a field that makes big money should not be the only reason you doing it. You are young, you have your whole life ahead of you and will be in the workfield for many years to follow. Try to get into something that you have a passion for as well, or you will hate your life waking up every morning doing something just for the money. Don’t ever feel shameful or worthless you have a good heart but it time to take care of you. Make you #1 and you will see things a lot clearer. Have more confidence in yourself, believe in yourself. Your mom, girlfriend, roommate can have an opinion on the things that you decide to do and that is all you need to give them. The bottom line decision needs to be yours and no one elses. Good Luck my friend, and start living YOUR life 🙂

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