“Not all who wander are lost.” – J. R. R. Tolkien.
Sometimes I wonder if I am wandering with a purpose, or if I am just lost.
Being a twenty-something year old college kid, I find myself put under increasingly large amounts of pressure. Pressure to do better in school, pressure to make a certain amount of money, pressure to be something that I am not. These pressures come from all sorts of stimuli. They are things like my roommate, my mother, my girlfriend, my friends. It doesn’t matter who it is, it always seems to have a negative effect on my life. I constantly am feeling shameful and worthless.
This is the part where people ask me, “Well, have you tried counseling?” And this is where I hang my head and sort of mumble, “Yes”. You see, unlike some people, counseling didn’t work for me. And medication, well it really hasn’t worked for me either. So, you could say that the system – that is supposed to help me; failed. Sometimes I lay in bed at night and pray that the next morning I don’t wake up. It feels easier, feels like a better choice. Then I remember, there is no way God hears me, remember Kendra, you’re gay. God hates gays. (Another story for another time)
Alas, there I lay, in the cold dark and wonder what it would be like if I was not around. I wouldn’t have to worry about what I was going to do with my life, when I was going to finally tell my parents I wanna marry the love of my life, and whether or not my roommate even cares. So maybe this will be an adventure through my final year as an undergraduate, or maybe it will just flop. But, here I sit hoping that maybe this works out.