Don’t ask me why I picked the anniversary of the most somber day in US History to pour my heart out in an online anonymous journal. I elect to not post any pics of myself because some of the things that I will ultimately say here are from the purest form of my heart and I would be embarssed or ashamed if anyone that I know in real life discovers my journal, see my picture and then know everything that is racing through my mind, body and soul.
Let’s see, where should I start? I think what brought me here is that as of late, I feel the need to bare my soul and I don’t care to discuss my thoughts with any of my family or friends. I am a single 40-something year old woman with one 20-something year old daughter. Never been married (thankfully) and more than likely, never will be. Marriage is NOT where my head is (for more than one reason).
I hold a full-time administrative position as well as a part time retail gig for extra money. For the most part, I try to live each day as joyous as I possibly can, but I have more times that I care to admit where I am so unhappy and unfulfilled. I am a work in progress.
In my life, I have only been involved in one serious relationship who turned out to be a chronic cheater, yet I still love him. He is my daughter’s father. He and I have offically not been an item in 8 or 9 years. In fact, he just came home in June from a 7 year federal penitentary bid. Prior to his incarceration, he established a new relationship with a chick 17 years his junior and they had a child together. I have not given this man much thought these past 7 years…..until he came home. Now, not only can I NOT be with him, I can’t get him off my mind.
I know you may be thinking, “why is this seemingly intelligent women worried about some ex-con”? Trust me, I ask myself that too, but I can’t answer it because I do not know why. Why am I jealous of his current relation witht the chick he had the baby with before he got locked up? Why do I feel like I have been replaced? Why do I feel so alone? Is is because I do not have a man in my life to take my mind off of him? Perhaps. I just don’t know why I am this big ball of confusion when it comes to him.
You see, I was with this man from the age of 17-maybe 33ish. He took my youth for crying out loud!! It is so unfortunate that he has someone and I don’t…..why does he get to be happy and I get to experience all this lonliness? I mean he was always the dis-honest one in the relationship (for the most part…I will explain more about that later), but in the end, he finds happiness? That just doesn’t seem fair to me.
Anywho….let me let this post marinate because there is more distorted thoughts that I will get off my chest shortly.