All I ever wanted was to be loved. Someone to hold me when I’m sad. Someone I can share my life with. Someone I can trust and not have to be worried if they cheat or not. But life has messed me up. My first relationship when I was 13 I was abused mentally physically and sexually. I was in that relationship for 2 years. Don’t ask me why I stayed because I hoped he would change, I hoped there was some good in him. But he also cheated on me too. I never knew what a heartbreak felt like until I found out he cheated, or when he threw me across the room punched me and choked me. Called me names and put me down all the time. Threatened me. After 2 years I had enough. I gave up on him and I was hurt for a while but I slowly started feeling better and free. Of course I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression and had to be put on meds and see a therapist. I felt like a loser. But I managed my way to get through the hard days. Never ever felt confident about myself always felt ugly and that no one would ever want me or want a family with me. My next relationship was with this nice guy who ended up breaking up with me after 2 months. He said I wasn’t his type. But that I was a beautiful girl who will find someone some day. My next relationship was with Rich he was a sweet guy very polite and bought me a beautiful necklace we didn’t last that long either because I didn’t really like him in that way. I ended up telling him I needed space and to see where things ended up. But I was nice about it. The next one was jake. He was so beautiful and nice he called me an angel and I fell for him hard. I wanted to marry him we were on and off for a year and a half. I loved being with him and I loved him we had the most amazing sex ever. He was so nice and good to me. He bought me food, and other nice things like sweatshirts and earrings and a barre the knew how much I loved butterflies so the earings he got me where butterfly wings. Things started getting complicated though. He wanted space and time to hang out with friends I was annoying though I wanted to hang out with him all the time and I loved talking to him. When we first dated he was crazy about me but after a while he grew tired of me. He broke up with me a few days before Halloween. I was heart broken. I didn’t eat or sleep. I lost a lot of weight. A few months past and I was still hurt but I was managing to get up in the morning and go to school. He messaged me out of the blue and said hey. And asked ow I was doing and everything. He finally invited me over. I came over and we had sex it was amazing and I missed it. The way he kissed me and touched me. And cuddled me. When I left he wouldn’t talk to me for a couple days but after those couple of days he talked to me and invited me over again. We started getting more and more close. He let me meet his grandpa and I loved his family. He was amazing still. Never yelled at me or anything. I was a little bit more calm for a while and let him come to me. But after a while he seemed to not really like me anymore. But he told me he wanted to have a future with me as tears came to his eyes. I was crying and I loved him. The next day he told me he wasn’t happy and he couldn’t do it anymore and that he was sorry. He broke my heart again. Then the next guy was Alex. Alex wanted to be with me more than anything. He would constantly text me and ask to hang out while he had a girlfriend. He would always talk to me and I talked to him about jake. How I missed him and was so hurt he broke up with me and he’d just listen. I met his brother and him in church and then his brother started talking to me and invited me over. Alex and his gf were there. He didn’t talk to me at all but his brother did. His brother became my best friend. After a while Alex stopped hanging out with his gf and hung out with me once his brother went to Utah for a month in the summer. We’d hang out and watch movies and go for walks. He always asked me out and id always say I’m not ready. I told him I liked him though and I did like him I started to see how sweet and cute he was. He finally kissed me and I loved it. We held hands and he hugged me and kissed me more. Then we started doing other things until one day we finally just did it. He broke up with his girlfriend and asked me out. I said yes finally and he was so happy and told me he loved me. He was so sweet and gentle. His gf messaged me and asked if I hung out with Alex and I said yes and she said he’d been ignoring her and stuff and I said that he said he brown up with her and she lied and said he didn’t because she hacked his Facebook and read all our messages. She knew we had sex and it hurt her. I felt bad but what she did wasn’t nice. She posted out convos of me and Alex online for everyone to see. I hated her. Then we found out she was pregnant with Alexes child. I was so hurt and mad and Alex kept telling me he wanted nothing to do with her or the child. So I forgave him and we were still dating and doing things. I ended up pregnant too. He started getting into drugs and alcohol he was kicked out of his house for a while and I broke up with him for lying to me about not doing drugs or drinking. A month went by of me not seeing him but he’d always message me and say he’s sorry and that he was crying and stuff. I’d get angry and tell him to go screw. After a month I finally agreed to talk to him. And we didn’t talk much at first we just sat and watched tv then he grabs my hand and tells me he loves me with tears in his eyes. We them ended up having sex and we started dating again. He was so happy to be having a child with me. He finally got his stuff together and went home. He purposed to me near Christmas time and got me a nice ring. I said yes. We got married in February 2014. But we started fighting a lot and he was smoking weed and I didn’t like that or want that around out son. As I was getting closer to my due date he overdosed and went to the hospital. The next day he threatens to kill himself so I call the police and tell them he’s a danger to im self they take him to Fatima hospital where he stayed in the psych Ward for a week. The day he got released is the day I went into labor. We went to the hospital and surely I was 4 cm dialated I was so nervous and excited. Then I got my epidural which felt amazing and the next morning I pushed and there was my son. Beautiful and I cried I was so happy. After a few weeks of being home Alex started doing pills and smoking again. He left for a few days to live with some weird guy and invited a girl over. I was so hurt I cried a lot that night. He was drunk too. He finally came home and apologized and stuff. But all after that things just kept getting worse until he found a job. He was doing so good from November until March but he relapsed in March and took Xanax and overdosed. I was hurt but he did it once and then stopped. Then we in June July were he left me for three weeks drinking every night talking to girls and all that stuff he came home and I forgave him again. Now we are in September and he’s absuive he hits me he threatens me he breaks my things he calls me fat and ugly and calls me names and says the meanest things ever to me. This is what addiction does to him. He was always a good guy until now. And it’s safe to say I’m done with him. I’ve been hurting for so long I can’t let this continue I have to be brave and just leave him. And to think we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I must be in la la land. Nothing ever works out for me. I loved Alex so much but relaizing he doesn’t treat me right and I don’t deserve it. I try doing everything I can to provide for my son. I’m not into drugs or drinking, I take good care of him and I love him with every bone in my body. I would die for him. He’s the sweetest boy ever and I love watching him grow and learn new things he’s the one person who makes me happy. I wish Alex was the person I first met. I just want someone to love me. I’m craving for it. I want a guy to actually treat me right and love me. I really do. I want family and someone to spend the rest of my life with happily ever after but that doesn’t seem like it’ll happen.