Heartache

The neurological process involved in the perception of heartache is not known, but is thought to involve the anterior cingulate cortex of the brain, which during stress may overstimulate the vagus nerve causing pain, nausea or muscle tightness in the chest.There have been 3 distinct moments in my life relating to relationships, where I have felt this physical pain.

1) After a 3-year committed relationship had turned into a weekly one-off, I was denied a ride home after a booze-infused halloween evening. This seems small and absolutely insignificant, but I have never felt so worthless as that moment where he couldn’t be bothered to go out of his way and carried on seemingly indifferent to my pleads.

2) I flew half way around the world to spend a week with the man of “my dreams”. I fell “in love” with [the idea of] him when I was 17 but we never truly had the ability to follow though and spend more time with one another except for a quick visit to one another every other 4 years, and only really spoke via the quarterly life-update emails. 8 years later,  it was my time to visit him and I tested the waters to consider moving closer. We had a phenomenal visit, but before departing at the airport I was expecting an “I like you, move here and we can work on something” and instead got something along the lines of “Im not really looking for a relationship any time soon”…

3) I met a truly wonderful man in my hometown 2 weeks before I moved away again [of course]. We had a whirlwind of a romance within those 2 weeks and for another 8 months long distance. I flew back and spent an incredible 6 weeks exploring every inch of the wilderness with him to which I considered moving back to my hometown more to see where things could go, I decided to finish my education first and then see where we were. Upon finishing my degree and moving 1 oncean and a continent closer to him (still long distance) but talking relatively often, we had made plans to see eachother at christmas. A month before the holidays I learned of his passing with too many unanswered questions. It was classified as an “unaccompanied death” as many instances were unclear. I am unable to visit my hometown any more without the overwhelming heartache taking over me.

It seems like I fall hard, and I know that in my longing for companionship I hold onto whatever shred of hope I’ve ever had with one of the 3 mentioned above, but every time I think of either of these 3 instances I get tight in the chest, nauseous, and feel absolutely hopeless. I am tired of being alone, Ive moved so many times (by myself) and I long for meaningful friendships and love from another person but don’t know any more how to find it… #hopelessromantic?

 

 

 

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