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My Son….Forever 25

My life became a nightmare 2 and a half years ago when my son died by suicide…GSW to the head. I am devastated to say the least. To this day i still cant even believe this is real!!  My baby! Gone forever!  Where did it all go so wrong. My God! Not in 100 years did i ever think my life would someday be touched by suicide. My heart hurts so badly every day…day in & day out. I just want him back! I miss him so much. He had his whole life ahead of him. He was only 25. My life is like a living nightmare since hes been gone. I have 2 other children and i try and stay strong for them but its just so hard. They have not only lost a brother but a best friend as well. We take things one day at a time….just like everybody….but how the hell does someone move on from something like this?  Suicide is a unique kind of grief too… You not only have to deal with the persons death but how much they suffered BEFORE their death that they thought the only way out was suicide. Everytime i think about how much my son must have been suffering in silence it just kills me inside. I hate what has become of my life. I regret having my baby cremated too!  How the hell is a parent suppose to make a decision on what to do with the body 2 freakin days after they die!!!!  Everyone said cremation because its the cheapest way but had i really thought about it in depth i would never have chosen that. I have visions and nightmares  about them putting my son in an inferno for 2 hours!  I cant stand it sometimes. It hurts so bad that sometimes it makes me feel nauseous & sick. How could i have done that to my baby!!  All the options on what to do with the body suck…. I guess its over and done with now. Cant do shit about it. I now have to look at my son in an urn and think wow thats my son in there nothing but a bunch of ashes. It literally makes me sick. I write to my son on this online diary/journal alot. It helps me to talk to him. I just want to say that PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE if you know someone that is severely depressed or suicidal, PLEASE TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY. Suicide is no joke and neither is depression. It is real and it can happen to anyone regardless of race, gender, age, religion, rich, poor, etc…Never in a million years did i ever think my son would follow thru but he did and the suicidal mind is extremely complex, something we in our right mind could never even begin to comprehend. I LOVE YOU STEVEN…. YOU ARE FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS….LOVE MOMMY

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