And indeed, time was on my side. It all got better when I started working again, at the beginning of March.
It had always been an unspoken certainty that I would go back to work as soon as legally allowed to. The Knight was just the perfect stay-at-home father. Moreover, I had already suspected that I would be overly cautious and overprotective – though I did never guess the hell I would go through. Although I would have loved to, wrapping my baby in cotton wool and locking her into an ivory tower would not have been healthy for her personal development.
At work, I had neither the time nor room in my head to worry about anything but my experiments. I had not yet fully recovered from my depression, I was unusually insecure, apologized a lot and worried about getting onto peoples nerves. It took months for this to go away. Now that I think of it – I found my old confident self again when the Witcher stepped into my life for the second time.
Yet, this too might be coincidence, or the causalities might be reversed. It is difficult to be confident when none of your old clothes fit you. It is also difficult having a life of your own if you are still breastfeeding, having to return home or seek a place to pump every four hors.
For the first few months I had no life apart from my duties. Every moment I was not at work I spent with my family. I ate quickly and generally never did anything that did not involve my baby. It was not uncomfortable for me – it was just how things were. My baby never felt like a burden. She was just the most important task I’ve ever had and I wanted to be the best mom I possibly could.
The Knight often told me sweet things like “Since I know you my life is beautiful.”, “You are the one big checkpot in my life.” or “If I die now, at least I’ve known what it is like to be loved.”* I felt flattered but also a little uncomfortable. Sharing sweet talk was just not our thing. I always told him to stop it, though I loved knowing that I made him happy.
I often thought of what I was supposed to do if the Witcher decided to approach the Knight about what had happened. He never seemed the revengeful type, but after all, what did I really know about him. Everything, I had felt. But with the distance between us came the doubts. I had fallen head over heels for him without knowing him. I have given him so much evidence for what had happened – texts, skype logs – he had serious chances of turning the Knight against me if he decided to get malicious – or thought he could have me back that way.
I made up various explanations for this case – stories I could tell the Knight, most of them relying on discrediting the Witcher and then cutting off all contact. If things got to the worst, I still could have told the truth, though I felt that despite never having slept with the Witcher, having fallen in love with him was just as bad. Should I feel bad for assuming the worst of him? No. If he knew now I am pretty sure he would understand that there was too much at stake for me to rely on my trust in him.
*He has this idea in his head that he will die early, probably because his father did.