Note: This is my personal experience and I’m putting it here not only for my own help, but for others who relate. I can not say I’ve figured out what to do.. but if you’re going through what I am, I can at least tell you.. You’re not alone.
Let’s start from the very beginning;
I was not beautiful growing up. I was over weight, and I had only one friend.(She was only my friend because our parents were best friends.)
Around 1st Grade, I mustered up a bit of courage and walked myself over to a group of girls. Popular, and skinny, and just about the definition of what everyone wanted to look like.. even in 1st Grade. Being the oh-so shy and antisocial person I was, and still am today, I quietly asked if I could play with them. The girl I asked, said yes, and we’ll call her.. Ashley(Ash, for short.)
Ash and I, we grew to be bestfriends.. we liked the same things, and being so young, we influenced each other. She shaped my personality to be what it is today.. for better or for worse. My parents got divorced when I was 3, and didn’t move apart until my father got a house when I was about 6 or 7. He moved into a small house.. a very, small house. But, to my surprise, Ash lived right next door. This was the holy grail of our lives together. We hung out all day at school, and everyday after school until I had to go home. We were inseparable. So inseparable, in fact, I only saw her. She was my ONLY friend, and even though the girl I’d been friends with since birth was still my friend, I didn’t hang out with her. Only Ash. Ash was cool and pretty, skinny and had no acne or flaws except the fact that maybe she didn’t have a great family. I’d not introduced my two friends for a while. Only did I introduce them when I had to, in 3rd Grade. Throughout this time, Ash’s parents were going through a divorce, and her older brother abused her, mentally more than physically, but abuse all the same. We all three hung out together, we were the definition of The Three Amigos. We saw each other during school, and then after school I’d take my friend since birth(who we’ll call Lilly) home. Afterwards, I’d go home and spend the rest of my afternoon with Ash. Eventually, we became closer to each other than we were with Lilly, and instead of inviting Lilly everywhere, I invited Ash. It got to the point, to when I hung out with Lilly, Ash would beg to come over, and I’d lie and say my parents said no because I didn’t want to hang out with Ash.. just Lilly. Ash, though, NEVER took no for an answer. She would beg and get annoying until you let her come over. She became obsessed with me, never let me do anything alone and if I did I would be told I was a horrible friend and that I wouldn’t have anymore friends because she was not going to be my friend, and that she was the only reason I had any friends at all. Considering I’d never had any friends, I didn’t want to lose her. I let her push me around and step all over me, and I did what she wanted.
My parents started to notice, and they tried to stop it and tell me to hang out with Lilly for a change, but I’d planted a seed in my head that said ‘No, Ash will be mad. Ash is your best friend and she loves you, only hang out with Ash’, etc. This was happening all until Middle School(6th Grade). I started to mature, realize she was pushing me around, and I tried to stop it. With no luck, though. She’d only become angry and call me names and bully me, and then the next day apologize so at school she wouldn’t have to be alone. In 6th Grade, a new ‘trend’ was happening. The most pretty, popular girl at our school was who everyone followed. And well, she became emo. She cut, and everyone thought that was what was cool.. so we did it, too. But she stopped being emo a few months later. Ash and I, however, enjoyed it. It represented us. I cut, and I enjoyed it. It was the only thing that satisfied the emptiness inside me. I fell into depression, and hard. Cutting was my dirty little secret.. until I fell in love.
I’d had a crush on a kid in my grade since 2nd Grade, and we’ll call him Chris. He was smart, and funny. But as we got into middle school, he was too childish for me. I’d stopped liking him. But.. he had an older brother, and I had a cousin in his brothers grade. She’d dated Chris’s older brother, and we’ll call him Jake. Jake was two years older than me, and we’d only ever met because my cousin, who we’ll call Quinn, introduced us before school in the morning. I’d crushed on Jake since the beginning of 6th Grade.. and one day, I got to talk to Jake. He was funny like Chris, but cuter and his smile and laugh melted my heart. He took interest in me, and later found me on Facebook. We started talking, and it turned into dating. I fell in love. He was my rock, he took me away from cutting, and he was my first boyfriend. He was my everything, and without him I was really nothing.
I wanted him happy, and he was my first boyfriend and it was my first time dating. We Skyped every single day, and we talked for hours. About our past, everything there is to think of. I felt he would be with me forever. The first few months, Jake and I were in the cupcake-faze, and we were happy. After the first few months, everything changed. He started to become distant, and I’d see on his Facebook he would be talking to other girls, complimenting them and flirting with them. I thought I was doing something wrong. I tried to fix it, and he would become angry with me. I stayed with him for almost a year, until Chris told me he heard him over Skype laughing and flirting with another girl. My heart was shattered into millions of pieces, and I ended it with Jake. You don’t understand how miserable I was. I was alone. During the time Jake and I had been dating, I isolated myself from my friends. So much, Ash and Lilly were close, and without Jake, I had no one. Ash and Lilly hated Jake, because he took me from them. I sat in my room every night and sobbed for hours on end. I couldn’t even breathe without thinking about Jake. Everything I did reminded me of him. Depression hit me like a truck, and I was helpless.
We still talked, and I was still in love. I endured so much pain in 2-3 months, that my body shut it off. The pain was gone. The only problem is, when you lose one emotion, you lose them all. I was a walking zombie, I felt nothing. No remorse, guilt, pain, sadness, love, anger, nothing. But, for the sake of my parents, I painted on a smile and pretended to be happy. They never knew I was depressed, nor that I’d cut. I texted Jake every night and said Goodnight, I love you..
He got pissed, and told me not to text him or he’d block me. I did not care, and I continued doing it for months. He came over to my house, and he told me he loved me and wanted to get back together, and being stupid as to believe he’d changed, I accepted his offer. We dated secretly for no more than three weeks, before he ended it, telling me he was unsure if he loved me and that I kept him on a leash. And maybe I did keep him on a ‘leash’, because he’d cheated on me, and I now had trust issues to add to my social anxiety and depression. After I lost the love of my life a second time, I lost it. I tried to end my life on multiple occasions, and even though Ash and Lilly were sort of back into my life, I had no emotions. I just faked happiness for the sake of others, and I tried to kill myself over and over, to no avail.
I dated 7-8 guys over the course of 4-5 months. I had no emotion, but I knew I loved Jake still. I dated those guys, because I’d felt no remorse, and I flirted with multiple guys at once, making them feel special and dating them to see if I could love anyone else. I couldn’t, and after I knew, I broke up with them. Every relationship was less than a week long, and I didn’t care that I broke their hearts. To this day, most of them still are in love with me.
I felt no remorse, until one guy. My bestfriend for over a year, expressed his feelings for me. I swear to you he was the definition of perfect boyfriend. He wrote songs for me, and was loyal, made me feel special. I thought I was getting over Jake. My bestfriend was so important to me, and I thought I started to get feelings for him.
But no, it’s not that simple. Jake comes back into my life, right as I’m getting over him. He sends me a video that’s 10 minutes long, explaining how he was depressed because he’d lost a girl so perfect and loyal to him. and in the video he becomes so angry with himself he punches a brick wall 4-5 times. My heart shattered, and for the first time since my emotion’s had gone away, I cried. I then proceeded to break up with my bestfriend. He was devastated, and he cried and made me feel horrid. I felt so horrible about my actions, I cut, and tried to kill myself for the thousandth time. Of course, it didn’t work. He didn’t get over me. We were still bestfriends, but if we ever got into a fight he brought up the fact that I’d used him to get over Jake.. but I hadn’t. I really thought he would be the one to take Jake’s place. But Jake has great timing, and I went right back to Jake. This time, though, Jake did change.
Jake and I have been dating for a while now, and he’s great. He hasn’t cheated on me or done anything wrong, he compliments me and is protective of me and never lets me get hurt. Somehow, though, I am still depressed.
As of yesterday, Ash started doing drugs. She and I had made a promise to each other that we’d never do drugs because they’re stupid, and she broke that promise.
She smokes, and then she smokes weed. We both have depression. And the reason is because we tried too hard to fit in. Other than that, my life is fine now. But I, however, am not. I feel like I’m living my life for the future, rather than for me. I make perfect grades, but I don’t want to. I do things for other peoples happiness, in this case, my parents’. I don’t feel like I’m living. I feel like my best friend is not doing drugs, and I feel like no, I don’t have a boyfriend. I feel empty, STILL. I can’t tell anyone, even though my parents found me drugged out in the bathroom floor and now know of my depression. I’m empty inside, but I can’t fix myself. I wrote this in 30 minutes, trying to make sense of my behaviour. I still can’t quite understand the way depression works. It comes and goes.