Pain

You know how it feels when you only feel okay when you have someone holding you? That is kind of how I am. Except its different in a way where I need to have sex to feel cared about. I have always considered it as a important part of a relationship helps with a bond. I am a sex addict yes I admit it. I have gone through STD tests every 3 months since I was 18. Just to make sure I am clean and stuff. I use condoms but the amount of men I have slept with and women I have to be checked just to make sure. How ever right now I just feel alone and like no one loves me. My son comes and trys to sit on my lap and I just wanna tell him to leave me alone. I am depressed and feel worthless. I feel like I don’t even matter to anyone. I know I am everything to my son and my family. I want more though. In the past year I have been to multiple baby showers and weddings. Just makes me feel worse. Like next weekend is my cousins baby shower. They are younger than me they found love and their soul mates. Look at me I sit here put a smile on my face for work and around everyone else even my son. When I am alone I just sit there. Only way to ignore it is sleep. My recent ex I still love messaged me today and told me he still loves me and he is sorry. He texts me atleast once a week just to say hi. It just hurts though he dumped me and just him messaging me is torture like he just wants to force me to relive the pain over and over again and have it never stop. I wish I could be happy when alone but it just makes me feel worthless with everyone else so happy and in love. The man I love says he loves me but doesn’t want to be with me because “our spark died”. Do not tell me I should be happy and feel loved because I am. I heard it before I just ugh I hate weekends I think to much when I don’t have work to distract me. Enough drunk venting. Good night everyone.

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