as I write this, I am fighting the urge to cry, scream, to tell those around me how much I hate myself.. my life… hate their happiness.
I find that being this alone, alone with my own thoughts, alone with you, is the absolute worst torture. I know my love for you is not returned; that almost kills me physically. mentally, I’m dead.. nothing.
I look around at women that are happy; they have a partner that loves and appreciates them. faults and all. I try to be perfect so you will love me. I failed. I always fail. I am a failure. I hate seeing happy couples. hate because jealousy consumes me.
I find comfort in any attention. I think that’s why I have always been so promiscuous. so willing to try anything. just for some positive touch or conversation.
being unnoticed, invisible, feels like that is my only existence. it’s painful. it’s lingering. will it ever go away? during my life?
some day things will look up. soon, I hope.
if you believe in prayer, please, pray for me to find comfort and for my love to be returned.
that is all.