So a bit of a background a year and a half ago we went through an evection and started living in hotels. We includes my mother my husband and at the time my two young kids 2 and 3 years old. the first hotel we stayed at Motel 6 was half way decent in price but didn’t have a lot of things we had to wait three months for them to find us a fridge the room we were in had mold and roaches but it was better than the option of staying on the street we were there for six months than we had to leave because of St Patricks day they wanted almost 700 for that one week well that was about three weeks normally so after looking around we moved to the guest house this was better for us due to having a stove there however the room were smaller and kids had nowhere to play still it was cheaper shortly before the move from motel 6 I found out I was pregnant with child number three I attended college throughout my entire pregnancy something I was worried I wouldn’t be able to do because of a past history of preterm labor one day my mother took me down the hall to meet this women named Kathy.  Kathy is an elderly woman and had a hard time affording her rent and food so many times she went without eating when my mom found this out she started giving her plates of food. One day she saw my husband and I waiting for the bus to school as we do not drive (another story for another day) she offered us a ride and she and I became fast friends. when I look at her I see so much of myself when I’m older it’s almost scary! I fell in love with her like she is my grandma and became very protective of her little by little she and I let our walls down and in only a few short months she has become family she started to talk to me about various health issues and asking me to help her as she has no family left all of her family has gone on before her. she asked me to be her POA has expressed her final wishes to me all of which I will honor when the time comes.. at the time of this first discussion I thought that while she is not in grate health I didn’t expect anything to happen too fast.. boy was I wrong! this past week she confided in me that the doctors believe that she has cancer however because of other health issues and her age she has decided to discontinue all treatments and test so the doctors can not be completely positive that it is cancer and what type and stage it is. as she says she is tired. I barely know her in the grand scheme of things yet this news has not set well with me. I am heart broken and I”m trying to be strong. I just don’t know how I can truly be strong enough. I have a history of closing people out and pushing the ones I love most away the side effect of that is I start cutting. I don’t want to go back to that but I’m so sad to know that once again cancer is going to claim a loved one yet I can’t cry. I can’t allow myself to do that I’ve seen far too many people die of this awful thing over and over and over again. at what point will it just become a kind of normal? I am struggling with not allowing past habits become my present mistakes and I don’t feel like I can truly open up to anyone. My husband has a lot of problems with mental health and is having to deal with that our marriage has more issues then a National Geographics I can’t talk to my mother as she has NEVER been there for me my relationship with my bio dad is just too new and awkward and my relationship with my adoptive dad Elza is just not what it should be since I moved… so I feel like its pointless to even try. I feel my depression taking over me again and I don’t know how I can possibly ask for help.  My two oldest kids now 4 and 3 years don’t see anything wrong at this point with mommy because I’m good at hiding  my emotions from them like they say fake it till you make it! my youngest though at 3 months old is still highly sensitive and lately cries every time I hold her why did I allow myself to become attached to someone? I know better than to do that. 

Leave a Comment: