Another sad depressing day for me.  Why can’t I snap out of it?  Instead of counting my blessing, I find myself stewing in everything that is wrong with my life instead.

On top of my finances being a mess…evening working two jobs, I live paycheck to paycheck and have a hard time meeting my bills, I can’t seem to get over this empty feeling that I have inside.  I constantly wonder what is wrong with me that I can seem to get the attention of men.  Then when one finally does come around (usually recycled ones) once a year, I tend to give in to intimacy without said man putting in any work to earn it.  Why?  I mean, how would you feel if you don’t have sex for 4, 5 months at a time, then when the opportunity presents itself, you give in.  Deprivaity perhaps?  Yep, that’s what I say.

The last time I had sex was July 18th when I gave my daughter’s father some (despite the fact that he has a woman and I mean nothing to him).  Prior to that, I was with a man who I shouldn’t have been with because he is the ex of someone I know.  That’s the story of my life, give it to a man who is undeserving, un-worthy but my horiness and lack of sexual attention causes me to make these poor decisions.  I started feeling him tough too.  I was even ready for our fling to be exposed and was willing to deal with any consequences surrounding it….but I guess he had other plans.  I told him time and time again that I felt un-fulfilled with him coming over just to screw me and never asking me out.  Finally, I got tired of it and asked to to stop texting me (and he did).  I am not sad about losing him because I never had him to begin with.  I am just sad that this kind of behavior seems to be a vicious cycle in my life.

Sure, I know how to satify my own needs and believe you me, I have become quit the pro at it, but it is not the same as rubbing on a mans back and experiencing that magical feeling, but I make due because I have no other choice.

I just long for the attention of a man who thinks I am beautiful both inside and out who treats me like a queen.  Is that so much to ask?  A little financial help wouldn’t be so bad either.  What’s wrong with a man helping a woman who is helping herself?  But noooooo, I’m not worth all of that.  I am only worth being called every six months to get some free sex!!  No dates, no nothing…just sex.  That shit is for the birds.  I know in my heart that I deserve more.

Last weekend, my cousin gave me a new hairdo and my aunt gave me some concealer to wear under my eyes because the dark circles were getting worse and I thought that I had improved my appearance.  Went bowling that same night and as my cousin and I were standing outside of the bowling alley a handsome man walked by and spoke to us and my cousin casually tried to get him interested in me but it didn’t work.  See what I mean, even with a new hairdo and make-up on, I still can’t get any love from these fools.  Each time I am rejected like that, I sink deeper and deeper into that “no one wants me phase”.

So today at work, I have been crying all morning.  My back is turned away from my co-workers so they can’t see my pain.  I cried so much this morning that my head hurts.

I hate that I have to work my second job today because I just want to go home, go to sleep and never wake back up……but then I think about how lost my daughter would be without me as she is not ready to face the real world as an adult without me.

I gotta start talking to God more…..and not just when I need him!!



3 thoughts on “Thoughts”

  1. That is all a trick of the devil. Don’t feed into it. You gotta love on yourself and tell yourself youre beautiful and as you said get a closer relationship with God. He loves you. He said that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. So Queen don’t hold your head down low bc of your mistakes or about what men may or may not think of you! Just focus on loving yourself from the inside and out and God will direct a man in your way. You gotta know your worth first tho. You are top of the line purple label and you putting yourself on clearance! As Im saying this to you I saying it to myself bc I struggle with my appearance and feeling good enough. So honey lets take ourselves off the clearance rack. Its not easy but we can do it! If u can grow a human in your body ypu can do anything!!!

  2. Thank you for the kind words. They moved me. This is the reason I decided to have an open diary so that I can get some encouragement from people who don’t know me from a can of paint and offer their unbias opinions. Thanks again, reading your response has helped me a lot. God bless you.

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