Another sad depressing day for me. Why can’t I snap out of it? Instead of counting my blessing, I find myself stewing in everything that is wrong with my life instead.
On top of my finances being a mess…evening working two jobs, I live paycheck to paycheck and have a hard time meeting my bills, I can’t seem to get over this empty feeling that I have inside. I constantly wonder what is wrong with me that I can seem to get the attention of men. Then when one finally does come around (usually recycled ones) once a year, I tend to give in to intimacy without said man putting in any work to earn it. Why? I mean, how would you feel if you don’t have sex for 4, 5 months at a time, then when the opportunity presents itself, you give in. Deprivaity perhaps? Yep, that’s what I say.
The last time I had sex was July 18th when I gave my daughter’s father some (despite the fact that he has a woman and I mean nothing to him). Prior to that, I was with a man who I shouldn’t have been with because he is the ex of someone I know. That’s the story of my life, give it to a man who is undeserving, un-worthy but my horiness and lack of sexual attention causes me to make these poor decisions. I started feeling him tough too. I was even ready for our fling to be exposed and was willing to deal with any consequences surrounding it….but I guess he had other plans. I told him time and time again that I felt un-fulfilled with him coming over just to screw me and never asking me out. Finally, I got tired of it and asked to to stop texting me (and he did). I am not sad about losing him because I never had him to begin with. I am just sad that this kind of behavior seems to be a vicious cycle in my life.
Sure, I know how to satify my own needs and believe you me, I have become quit the pro at it, but it is not the same as rubbing on a mans back and experiencing that magical feeling, but I make due because I have no other choice.
I just long for the attention of a man who thinks I am beautiful both inside and out who treats me like a queen. Is that so much to ask? A little financial help wouldn’t be so bad either. What’s wrong with a man helping a woman who is helping herself? But noooooo, I’m not worth all of that. I am only worth being called every six months to get some free sex!! No dates, no nothing…just sex. That shit is for the birds. I know in my heart that I deserve more.
Last weekend, my cousin gave me a new hairdo and my aunt gave me some concealer to wear under my eyes because the dark circles were getting worse and I thought that I had improved my appearance. Went bowling that same night and as my cousin and I were standing outside of the bowling alley a handsome man walked by and spoke to us and my cousin casually tried to get him interested in me but it didn’t work. See what I mean, even with a new hairdo and make-up on, I still can’t get any love from these fools. Each time I am rejected like that, I sink deeper and deeper into that “no one wants me phase”.
So today at work, I have been crying all morning. My back is turned away from my co-workers so they can’t see my pain. I cried so much this morning that my head hurts.
I hate that I have to work my second job today because I just want to go home, go to sleep and never wake back up……but then I think about how lost my daughter would be without me as she is not ready to face the real world as an adult without me.
I gotta start talking to God more…..and not just when I need him!!