Sometimes (often.. pretty much always) I hate my brain. The way it is, that can’t be normal at all. Really there must be this part of me, that’s damaged for good, since I’m always acting and thinking like this.
It’s not like I don’t care for people, I do. And also I get really emotional sometimes. I know how to love a person and how to show it.
My problem occurs when someone tells me, that they actually love me. I can’t deal with that at a decent way.
Its okay at first, but then my mind is deciding that I should really start doubting peoples intentions. Do they really care for me or are they just saying that?
I know. Why would someone tell you, that they love you, if they didn’t? But still it’s what my mind is telling me to think.
It often ruin thing for me in the long run, because I pull myself away until the state, where I can’t be reached anymore, so they just give up.
I try so hard not to listen, to that stupid part of my brain, because sure he cares and of course he loves me, when he tells me that. But I only believe so, while Im saying it out loud. After that, I go back to worshiping that devilish mind of mine who’s telling me different.
I try every day, all the time, to tell myself.. STOP thinking to much about things and putting so much into what’s been said or done. Little changes in peoples behavior becomes everything and it’s so hard. All I really want is to be able, to believe those words, thats been said about love and about the future and all that. Why the hell is that so hard?