As I lay here in bed and keep reading the post I just did on Instagram & Facebook I feel a knot in my stomach. I have always been so gaurded on what I share publicly and sometimes even privately. What will people think if they know the truth about my struggles and fears? Is this how I want my image to be portrayed? The short answer, yes, Jamie, this is what you want.
For the past few weeks my heart and world tumbled into a million pieces. It was total shock how the turn of events happened. One day I was playing wife and mother and the next I became a single mother. For the most part I thought my life was pretty mapped out. It’s amazing how life can change in a blink of an eye.
Though I cried buckets and questioned my self worth, I knew that I had to push forward for my son. He could not suffer because my heart was broken and I didn’t understand. So, I went found a place for us to live and started putting some of his puzzle peices of life together.
I get mad easily and conjure up thoughts of hate towards him. How could he just decide one day that this isn’t what he wants? This is what I want, but sometimes we don’t get what we want. When I see him or hear his voice it takes everything out of me to hold back the tears. There were many nights I cried myself to sleep.
The other night after visiting a friend (a friend that has not beaten cancer once but twice) I realized everyone has a story or a harder struggle. When I laid my head on my pillow that night I prayed so hard to help me through this and guide me on what to do next. The first thing that happened was I slept all through the night, something I had not done in weeks. Over the next few days flashes of my life popped into my head and there was one occurring theme, I never gave myself a chance to be alone with me. This is my chance to find out who I truly am.
So here I am, going to lay all of my stuff out on the table for the next year and give my all to see who Jamie really is. I’m scared, unsure and somewhat excited.