This headline may sound offending and kind of screwed up, but I hope that after reading this whole long story, it will make some kind of sense. If not that’s to bad, cause the important thing is that Im making sense out of it.
Recently I’ve been haunted by something, that happened to me a couple of years ago. I’ve been trying to not think about it too much, because of the way it all went down, I guess it’s just been to much for me to deal with it until now. Its beginning to take up so much space in my mind.
I feel like I need to get it out in some way, not because i need to talk to someone about it. I just need to.. Be able to finally let it go and just be a part of the past.
I guess this is a good place to let some of it out, because no one here knows me. I don’t like talking about it, because people always starts crying or feel sorry for me. I don’t want that at all. I just want to go through it one last time, and then move on from it.
I know, that some days I don’t believe in the future and sometimes I’m pretty close to giving up, but at the most I really do appreciate life.
The first time I came across with death, I was nearly turning 14 and I was admitted to hospital with alcohol poisoning. At the age of 16 I tried to hang myself from the staircase and a couple more times before I turned 18 I tried different other methods, in the hope of ending my miserable life.
It’s incredibly disturbing, to think about now just how little help I was offered in my youth while all this was going on. Sure they could hook me up with different antipsychotics, but what would that do for me in the long run.
I’ve always been really melancholic and feeling like Im not in controle over myself. Sometimes I’ven even been acting with a manic behavior. That scares me a little, cause when I get like that, I don’t feel like I’m entirely myself.
It’s not like I’m dreaming about how to end my life anymore. I stopped doing that shortly after i went on the meds. I was 18, but I continued feeling like I was only here to be punished. Couldn’t find joy in anything at all really. Never smiled, never laughed, just sat around staring out in the air like an empty shell, that was been left by the person who used to live inside.
Something happened to me a couple years ago, that turned everything upside down. I became really sick and I nearly died. While they were trying to save my life, they decided to put me in a coma, to spare me and my weakened body some of that traumatic surgeries.
I woke up and suddenly I was someone who was lucky i survived, because only 1 out of 10 does from the thing that I had. Only 15 cases each year and not even half gets through it.
Yes, I was lucky. I could see that right there. But not so much because of the disease itself. Really it was the things that were going on while I was still in the coma.
I’ve googled coma cases after and read that when you’re like that, you’re not able to think, dream or anything, because your brain is sort of paused. I don’t believe that’s true at all though.
I had a dream about somekind of (looking like) a buddha man and his family. They suffered from being poor and the little kids was so hungry and walking around without any clothes on, because they didn’t have money for that.
He told me to start breathing, but I should be carefull because if I breathed more that a certain amount of times each minute they would lose even more money.
Meanwhile i was lying in my hospital bed and the conveyor was pushing the bed through this narrow corridor. I tried so hard to hold my breath for as long as I could, but every time we were halfway down this corridor, I had used all the breaths that I was allowed to take, so he pulled back the bed to the point where we started of, again and again and.. I felt like this was going on for an eternity, but really it only lasted four days.
When I woke up my mom was crying like a maniac and I couldn’t even remember how or why I got to the hospital, only that dream was stuck to my mind.
She told me, that they had been trying to wake me up for two days, but every time they turned down the monitor, the alarm went off, because I wouldn’t start breathing by myself. When she told me that, I freaked out so bad, that they had to give me something, to calm me down.
I don’t know if it makes any sense at all. I guess maybe <the only one who can make sense of this is me, because I experienced it.
But that was really what changed me. That dream made me see myself in a completely different way. It made me see life from a different angle.
Im still partly like I’ve always been. Complicated, weird and sad and difficult to be close to, but now I see how important it is not to take anything for granted. To appreciate the little things in life and the people who are in it.
I believe now, that I was given the chance to make a choice in some way. A very important task that didn’t just concern myself, but really it was about myself.