While sitting on my porch this evening intense emotion came over me. This pressure and tightness in my chest and I then started balling. It was a cry that weighed on me for several minutes and there was no stopping it. I couldn’t understand because I have been fine all day long. Of course some sense sadness still stays with me on a daily basis but I usually can get past it with a prayer or positive thought. During this hard cry I found thoughts of failure flooding onto me. Failure?! Really?!
Yep failure. Two very long relationships in my life had ended and my work performance is not up to par and jobs I have lost in the past. Most will tell me not to worry about work; don’t worry about work, you had a lot on your plate this month. The truth is I take pride in doing well with my career and when I feel like I’m not performing efficiently it effects me. Others would tell me that my past marriage was his loss and this relationship is even bigger loss on his part. It’s just hard to not feel like you have failed when they both ended up in going separate ways.
I am not trying to get sympathy but rather trying to get understanding on why I feel this way. Why did it hit me like a ton of bricks tonight? Once I pulled myself together from the sobbing, I realized that I needed to feel that emotion. It’s not that I want to believe I’m a failure but rather I’ve had failures in the past. Some how I got through every single one of them. They taught me something and I grew from them.
I believe every emotion I’m going through is a way that the universe or higher being is teaching me. Every morning I do the same prayer:
“Dear God, I’m giving myself to you to do as your will. Just give me the strength to endure my difficult time now and guide me in the path that leads to my healing. Please protect my son and guide his young soul that he can endure anything that is or will come his way. Please be with all those that are going through their own struggles and could use your guidance as well. Today teach me something and allow me to grow. In Jesus name, amen”
My prayer is nothing out of the ordinary but I do give him permission to teach. Now I’m not one that goes to church every Sunday and know I’m not perfect in this topic but I do know he is here for me. I will repay him by finding a home to worship him in but in the meantime it will just have to be my prayer for now.
So, as lay here writing this, my failures still taunt me but I’m trying to look at them as life lessons. I also need to remember that my month is not over yet at work and only I can make things happen there. For now I will try to rest my eyes and know tomorrow is a new day.