Things have gotten a little better but still the stress in unreal. Have to move by the end of October.. So far there is no where I can stay. I’m hoping we can stay at my husbands moms house until we can find a place. But things aren’t working out with my husband and I for some reason. I’m not happy. I really wish I was happy with him but I’m not. Everything that has happened it’s dragging me away from him. I can’t even enjoy sex anymore. I don’t know why I wish I did. But ever since he has been a different person I haven’t felt happy with him. The pills and alcohol. He’s been doing ok hasn’t been taking pills as far as I know but he mentioned he wanted to do them once in a while. But you can’t especially addictive ones. No doctor would prescribe you Xanax because you want it. They prescribe it if you need it. I wouldn’t ever want to be on that screw that I’d tell the doctor I’m not interested in Xanax after what I saw it did to my husband by him overdosing 3 times. I know I wouldn’t overdose but still I couldn’t take it after I knew what it can do to you. It’s very addicting and I don’t really have an addictive personality. I’ve tried ciggerettes a couple times and I didn’t like it never got addicted. I smoked weed before it was ok for a little while but ended up messing with my head and making my anxiety worse and paranoid stopped smoking weed never was addicted didn’t touch it again. Drank alcohol got buzzed didn’t like it never drank again. Never touched any other drug besides weed. I’m okay. I guess I’m lucky like that. I have other problems though. Extreme anxiety since age 6 and depression diagnosed at age 13. Mood disorder diagnosed at 18. I take all my medicine I’m prescribed to daily and none of it is addictive except for my Adavan but I’m only on .5 mg and I’ve been on it for over a year now and never once wanted to take more than I’m prescribed. I guess I don’t understand how someone can chose drugs or alcohol over everything they have or everyone that has been there for them their whole life. How am I supposed to go on with a husband who can’t quit the drugs or alcohol? He says he will only drink once a week but I know for a fact he will drink more than once a week. That’s just how he is. I hate the smell of alcohol it’s so gross it lingers on your body and breathe. I have to sleep next to that disgusting smell all night. I don’t even want to do this anymore but I don’t want to be alone. I know it sounds pathetic but I hate being alone. I want someone that’ll love me and want me but i don’t think it’s worth it if the person that is doing it cares more about himself and his needsore than his family. Will I ever find another guy who will actually treat me right? Or will Alex change? So many unanswered questions and so many big decisions to make but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to do anything and end up regretting it. I hope god gives me sign as to what I should do. I know he can’t make us do anything but at least give me a sign on what the best thing for me and Caleb is.

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