From the first breath I took my life has been one big mess…. Lets start from the beginning. I was born to a 20 year old high school drop out who ran away from home when she was 17 and lived with a teacher. She met my father and a couple of months later she was pregnant with me. My parents stayed together for the first 6 months of my life. After that it was just me and my mom, I never really got much of a childhood I remember always feeling like I had to be grown up for my mom. My earliest memory ( I was about 2 yrs old) that I can recall is living in a 1 bedroom crappy apartment and I has to sleep on the couch, I remember waking up and being very quiet in the mornings not to wake my mom. I would make my bowl of cereal and watch cartoons alone until my mom woke up. We also didn’t have a car so my mom rode a bike with a basket on it that I would sit in and ride with her where ever we needed to go. I don’t have any memories with my father until I got a little bit older.
When I was 3 my mom met a man who would later become my stepfather. Right after we met him we packed up and moved a hour and half away from all my family and the only town I had ever known. We moved in with him and his mother and brother in a 4 bedroom run down nasty trailer in the middle of no where…my mom tried to make a bedroom for me in this room that has all kinds of house plants, a bunch of boxes and a deep freeze. A couple months after moving in there my mom got pregnant with my sister. We moved out of the trailer and into a 2 bedroom trailer. My sister was born when I was 4 and I was so happy, I would finally have someone to play with.
My mom and stepdad got married couple of months after my sister was born, I remember it was in my stepdads sisters house, my mom wore his sisters dress and there really wasn’t much to it. After they got married was when in my eyes things started taking a turn for the worse. They began fighting all the time. I remember one time he was beating on my mom and somehow she wrestled him to the floor and at 4 years old I felt that I needed to do something, so I ran up and stomped on this head, thinking that my mom would be glad I was helping her out. Well that wasn’t the case, I got in trouble and was sent to my room where I set listening to them fight.
My mom finally left my stepdad and we packed up and moved back down to where all my family was. We moved into a 2 bedroom duplex right across the street from my Aunt and favorite cousin. Life was finally starting to look up, I started kindergarten, my mom enrolled me into girl scouts, we has nice things and a car.
This is where my first memories of my father come in. My dad lived with my grandma which I was ok with because my grandma was always my favorite person. I spent more time with my grandma on my weekends with my dad then what I did with my dad. She would take me shopping with her and my great aunt, we could go to yard sales, out to dinner, and actions. We were so close everyone called me her little shadow.
Now back to my mom, I had my first year of school with my cousins and felt like I could be a kid. The summer between Kindergarten and 1st grade my mom began to see my stepdad again, she became pregnant and we packed up and moved the hour and half back to where he was. Once again I was forced to leave everything and everyone I knew and loved.
First grade started and I was the odd kid out, all the other kids got to make friends in kindergarten that carried into first grade. I eventually made a couple of friends, who now at the age of 27 cant recall their faces and only 1 of their names.
My brother was born in the fall. After school got out in May I stayed at home my mom worked days and my stepdad worked nights. I was 7 years old and while my step dad slept and my mom was at work I took care of my 2 year old sister and 7 month old brother. Again while other kids my age were playing and enjoying their summer, I was becoming a stand in mother, I fed, changed, and put a toddler and baby down for naps 5 days a week.
Later that summer early august I went to spend the 2 weeks of my summer with my dad, or my grandma to be more like it. When I got down there things had changed. I didn’t go to my grandmas like we always had before. Instead we went to this run down blue duplex and there was a lady there who would later become my stepmother. The house was a total mess with just paths to walk in. I stayed on the couch for most of the weekend. People I had never seen before, scary looking people where in and out at all times of the day and night. A couple of days later my dad told me that he was taking me back to my moms. I was never so glad to go back to my mom.
When I got back to my moms we did not go back to my moms house, instead we went to her friends house and my mom was crying and kept hugging on me and wouldn’t let me down. I didn’t understand what was going on or where my sister and brother where. She finally sat down and told me that my stepdad said that he was going to visit his mother with the kids. Well they never returned instead he showed back up later that night alone and handed my mom divorce papers. The state the I lived in whose ever custody children are in when a divorce is served then that’s whose custody they stay in until after everything was done. So once again my life was turned upside down. My mom would leave to go to work and I would stay in our bedroom and find the shirt that she wore to bed and put it on a pillow and just lay in bed with my head on the shirt until she got home.
School started later in August and I was in 2nd grade, I was starting to make more friends. My mom met another man who will become my stepdad and still is. He had a daughter who was 6months younger then me. We moved in with him a couple of months later. There was always parties going on with people drinking and smoking weed. My mom was still going through court battles with my ex stepdad. They finally agreed on joint custody and I began to get to see my sister and brother again…
Time went on and my stepdad got a better job and when I was in 4th grade we moved out of the 2 bedroom apartment where all 4 kids shared a room and they bought a house in a subdivision. It was a 3 bedroom 1.5 bath house on a corner lot with a full walkout basement. And since I was the kid who was there all the time I got to pick out which bedroom I wanted to share with my stepsister. Life began to get better in my moms life. There was still parties but they were limited to weekends and us kids got to order pizza and movies every Friday and Saturday nights. We ran the upstairs while the adults ran the basement.
My dad had moved to a house with my stepmom and she got custody of her 2 boys back. I still didn’t like going to my dads because my older stepbrother always scared me and made me do things I didn’t want to do…. like one time he found a dead dog and took it down to the creek bank tied it up and made me hold the rope so it was suspended in the air so he could shoot it with a bow.
My mom and step dad got engaged and married in 1998. That same year she also graduated from a community college and got a better job. We had money and I had friends. My friend would come over on the weekends and we actually had money to go and do stuff.
Time went on and the same story…. I eventually stopped going to my dads a choice that I made. When I was 12 years old I was staying the night with a friend and the next morning my mom showed up at like 6 am and told me that we had to go to the hospital because my dad had been shot. He ended up being ok, but he came home to find my stepmom with another man and the other man shot my dad. After my dad got out of the hospital he moved away to another state that was almost 7 hours away from me. I only began seeing my dad maybe once a year, and only talked to him when he came for his once a year visit. No phone call on holidays or birthday.
A little later that year I became friends with a girl who lived down the street, she was a year older then me but she acted a lot older. We became very close and were together everyday.
When I was 13 my mom and stepdad split up and we moved out and got an apartment. It was back to just me and my mom again…and of course my best friend. My mom began to see a man and my friend and I would go back down to the town that my family lived in every weekend.
One weekend we were sitting in my aunts living room and this guy walked in and my whole world stopped. I was head over hills, but I didn’t talk to him. The next morning at my aunts church I saw him again and my friend told him that I liked him. I was nervous because I was 13 and he was 18. Keep in mind I was not your average 13 year old even adults told me I was very mature for my age and I also did not look like a 13 year old girl, I developed very early in life age 11 to be exact. Well he liked me too and we began to date.
Well my friend and I started staying at my older cousins house and she pretty much let me do whatever we wanted, so we ran the town with our older boyfriends, my friend began dating my boyfriends friend. We will refer to my boyfriend as pierce.
Pierce and I dated for about 6 months until he got really bad into drugs and drinking. And I started talking to another guy. My friend wasn’t a virgin so I always told her that I wasn’t either, even though I still was. Right before my 14th birthday This 17 year old we will refer to as simpson were hanging out at his older brother house and the next thing I knew we were in the bedroom. I was tring to act brave because as far as everyone else knew I had already been having sex. So I lost my virginity at the age of 13 to the 17 year old drummer of my church. I didn’t tell anyone. Well of course simpson got what he wanted and we went out separate ways.
I dated a few different guys here and there and I thought that if I had sex with them that they would like me more…they didn’t.
When I was 14 my mom got pregnant again and had my youngest brother when I was 15. My mom and stepdad got bath together when they found out she was pregnant. I also met a guy we will call eftink. Eftink was 17 and a senior in a school a few towns over and he was the main baseball start. We dated for 2 years and then he was in college and almost 20 I was still in high school and was only 17. He broke up with me by leaving a note on the windshield of my car.
My best friend (essner) and I had drifted apart over the last 2 years because I was wrapped up in eftink and she began parting and drugs. It was something that I was never into because I had seen too much stuff growing up and I didn’t want any part of it. I had became friends with a guy that I worked with at the local grocery store. (felty) Felty and I became best friends he was the guy who was gay but everyone else knew it but him. Felty and I are still friends to this day. He finally came out and now he and his husband are very happy together.
The summer between my jr and senior year I met this guy (floyed) that I really wasn’t that attracted to but I needed attention. My mom was busy with my sisters and brothers. Since I was the oldest I pretty much worked and stayed out with friends. My mom had also started to become very religious and all the parties had stopped.
Floyed was a high school drop out who lived in an apartment with 3 other guys. I was there all the time when I wasn’t working. I liked the attention I got from him (mostly sex). I talked him into getting back into school and finishing his senior year with me.
About 2 months into our senior year he found out that his room mates were all moving out. Which meant that 1 he moved back with his grandparents who lived almost 3 hours away or 2 he quit school again and got a full time job and a place of his own.
I told my mom about his situation and she decided to let him move in with us to finish his senior year. After senior year we moved out and moved into a place together.
That is my childhood. My next entry will be about the next 7 years of mine and floyeds relationship. And where I am now in life.