There are some things in life that a person can only recall through a picture, a faded memory, or by a trigger – such as seeing an item that brings back the thought or hearing it being reminisced from another. Then there are some things in life that are etched so deeply into the soul that it is something they could never forget. A feeling that is so overpowering that it can basically be relived day after day no matter how many times it has been felt before. That is how I felt and how I feel to this day about you.
Meeting you did not happen in the delivery room. It didn’t happen when I first saw your ultrasound. It didn’t happen when I felt you first move. It happened when I found out I had a little someone growing inside me.
Never have I ever felt so much love for someone I have never even seen yet. Just knowing you were there and already depending on me set a lot of things in motion in my life. I admit that I was nervous. I doubted myself and my abilities to be a mom. I worried a lot and to be honest, while it was a joyous time it also brought a lot of fear forth.
Some things can only be understood once you experience it. This may or may not apply to you in the future when you start a family of your own but some of my biggest dreams and worst fears came to light once I found out I was having a child. I would daydream about the wonderful person you would grow up to be, how excited I was to finally hold you, but also how to keep you safe. To make sure you were healthy. Wondering how to raise you and how to keep you aware of all of life’s pleasures and pains.
I was 21 at the time. I had just graduated with an associates in applied science degree, looking for a career, and the only thing I was concerned about was myself and the party life. Your father and I had always had a rocky relationship but right away we both knew we wanted you – not because we thought it would help us as a couple but because you were ours and we were yours. I have never once regretted this decision.
I almost instantly shifted into gear. I knew the life I was currently living was not cut out for a child. I stopped smoking and drinking and partying nearly overnight. I went straight onto the web after brushing up my resume and got serious about finding something that would be stable so that I would be able to provide. No more than a week later did I find my office job that I still currently have – I left the nonprofit organization I worked for and threw myself deeply into my newly found career. It was intimidating at first because it was my first time working in an office. I did not even know how a fax machine worked! I pushed and pushed though no matter how difficult it got. I studied for nights on end and got my licenses to sell in my field all the while being pregnant with wonderful little you. I started planning and saving for your arrival which was no easy task considering this was the biggest responsibility I had in life so far and no other thing could even come close to it.
As months went by I watched myself grow and grow as you grew within me. With each passing month the excitement and anxiety heightened. One day before your estimated due date you were finally ready to make your appearance and boy did you! I was about to go to sleep when I felt minor pains and decided to take a warm shower instead. No matter what, if I was standing or sitting, the pain would constantly come and go.
We got to the hospital and the nurses had examined and admitted me in – you were on the way! I walked around the hospital floor for nearly an hour before the contractions were getting too strong for me to stand. As I laid in the hospital room with different people holding my hand occasionally (you dad, your grandma, and your grandpa) I went through wave after wave of pain like I have never felt. Concentrating on my breathing, on my thoughts, and mostly on you. In that bed I swore to myself that I was basically one and done-there was no way I was going through this again. You know what though? I would do it all over again because despite the pain it gave me you.
You arrived late in the afternoon that Sunday. I heard you before I even saw you. You gave one giant cry and the feelings it gave me is to this day completely indescribable. Finally being able to hold you did wonders to my heart and the love I already felt increased greatly.
You are the most beautiful person I have ever laid my eyes on.
I will never forget all the things that led me to wonderful little you.