In the past, I’ve always kept a journal. I was an angsty, introspective teen with opinions about everyone and everything. Not much as changed except I’ve learned to create good opinions, even when the outcome seems bleak.
This is my story.
I came to college already assuming my life was ruined. I couldn’t go to the college I wanted to, out of state, because I wanted to get out of this place. I thought I was going to a school just full of the graduates from my school.
I didn’t realize I had been given a fresh start.
Right off the bat I made all the same mistakes. I dived into a major I didn’t fully understand, and took on too many priorities. I was so consumed with pleasing everyone and because I was so spineless I ended up losing any respect anyone had for me. Ultimately two years later I ruined my reputation and got trashed at a party in another town and lost all my supposed friends. During that time I fell into a spiraling depression unlike anything I had ever experienced. I was suicidal for a very long time, I considered myself a screw-up and a waste of space and money. Everything I had slipped away like that. All my hardwork and the hours of dedication gone.
A good friend of mine suggested a road trip to Austin for a conference and instantly it changed everything. I ended up meeting an entirely new group of people that I clicked with instantly. I started driving to Texas – Dallas, Houston, College Station, Austin, Arlington – just to see them every weekend. It was very irresponsible but I didn’t care because I felt like I belonged again. Eventually the semester ended and I went away to work at home for the entire summer and rarely saw or spoke to them and we all drifted apart. Sadly, a boy I had been romantically involved with also drifted away during that summer.
I still think about him everyday and wish I could’ve fought harder for him. I wish I had tried instead of pushing him away. Maybe I could’ve changed his mind. I didn’t seem to care that he lived 6 hours away. He was different. I didn’t see that until he was gone.
Coming back to these friends after having been so distant was hard because I could feel things had changed. We weren’t the center of each other’s lives anymore.
The following semester I got re-involved in all the things I had been kicked out of due to my failure as a person and became busy again. I loved doing things and completing tasks and working on projects that helped the world. But this last weekend I went back to Dallas for a concert and got forgotten and left behind by my friends. But despite it all, we still ended up having a good time. I get separation anxiety so when I left I cried the whole way home. Where are my ride or dies? Where are the people you spend every waking moment with? Your best friends? Why are mine at least 3 hours away?
Why can’t I make friends here?
Finally I come back home after being dumped, forgotten, and far away and I check my email and discover I had been denied a position I’d applied for. I honestly thought I had it in the bag. I was devastated.
At the end of the day, being away from home, being away from the people I love, being heartbroken, and working as hard as I do (two jobs and multiple clubs), really sucks. I feel like I work so, so hard and I don’t get anything in return. Furthermore, I thought I missed being involved but now I realized I’m filling up all my time so I don’t realize how lonely I am. I miss the spontaneous trips, the friends, staying in random apartments. I also miss being a part of projects and working to make the world a better place.
I wish people would just see me for me. I’m not a screw-up, I’m not a bitch, I’m not weak, I don’t care too much, and I’m not annoying.
I just want to be happy.