was it or was it not?

One summer day, I was on my way back from Chicago again from visiting college. It was almost time for me to move there and I was beyond excited. My boyfriend, on the other hand, was very angry and not happy. He did not want me to go. He wanted me to stay home with him and not leave. On the way back, it was dark and late. He wanted me to give him a hand job or blow him, but I refused. He got mad, so he pulled over and say give me some. I tell him no, I want to go home and was not comfortable in a car on the side of a highway. He didn’t care. He demanded it and fought with me when I keep saying no, then eventually I got quiet and let him do it. He looked at me with a big smile and said, “I hope you get pregnant with my baby.”  It hit me right there, when I realized what he was trying to do. He was wanting me stuck with him, drop out of college if I have this baby. It was very stressful being on a different page from him and he knew I could easily slip out of his hand seeing there is more to life than what I was living with him the past few years. I did not understand at that time, what true love is or happiness was. We fought so much, verbal and physical. I was almost so afraid that I actually wanted to attack him with a hammer or any heavy objects in sight in defend of him holding me down. I never knew that relationship was the start of my destructive relationship with men for a long time. My understanding of how they should be, is no where near normal. Around Christmas time, I found out I was pregnant. This was the same time my best friend was pregnant too by his brother. She found out, and wrote me a long letter. Now, she and I went through the same thing in high school. Our boyfriends were brothers. She stayed back home to be with him, and I went on college. I could not do it. I could not keep this baby. I would be forever stuck in this relationship, I would never be able to live life as I should be. This child as well, will suffer. I cried to my mother, and she agreed. Even though we are against abortion, we agreed it would be the best solution for us. She drove me to the clinic, and it was just heartbreaking. The experience, I can never explain how it felt. I lost a part of me that day. I never got her back. This was the end of us. I hid from him, and would not let him in the dorm to visit me. My new college friends made sure that he did not come. It slowly faded away, but I continue to live in fear.

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