I have a really good friend. The type who I can tell everything, who knows more about me than anyone in this entire world, who chooses to and wants to care for me. She is the one I turn to when the clouds are grey, when the fog takes over and my thinking gets out of control. She didn’t give me life but everyday she brings life to me – there is not a second that I’m not grateful for her. I love her beyond words. I’m starting this change because of her, it’s a change I need.
This past week and a half is a blur. What do I remember- going to the movies, listening to a lot of music, researching song lyrics, not moving far from the couch, a lot of hot showers, heart racing, a lot of tears, colouring in and a few walks outside. How did I get to this? Thinking and thoughts consume me so much that when I’m alone hours can go by without realising. I won’t list the things I think about because I would be here for days but safe to say unfortunately they are usually negative and very repetitive. I appear to have a high ‘care factor’ of what others think of me and I’m not sure why. The care factor relates to body image which had always been a demon of mine, life choices and regret. Most days I have changed out of at least 5 outfits before settling on what I would wear. Only to change between 3-4 showers each day. Today I had a 10 minute shower – the quickest since last Monday. I guess the 2 hours it takes me to get out of the house has chewed up my time. A 10 minute shower felt really good.
Last night I cried myself to sleep. My friend told me the truth. And it hurt. Causing myself pain will NEVER help me. Eventually it caused me to re-evaluate a few things….so here I am now, I decided I needed a place where I can write my thoughts to be a healthier me. I decided to get rid of my Facebook account which has consumed countless hours of time. I de-activated my account and deleted the app from my phone. The most important people in my life I can see everyday or they are only a text away. I’ve given myself a few jobs for today – 1. Write this 2. Walk to the Library 3. De-clutter my wardrobe and be ruthless. So here I find myself with 6 days of holidays left. This day will start with breakfast. This change is a work in progress.