Ok…. Let me tell you this about me first. You may not like reading some of the things I plan on divulging in my journals. It will be graphic and completely honest. You may find yourself even hating me while reading. That’s ok because at the time these incidents occured, I hated myself too. I’ve recently learned how to love myself thanks to great friends who supported me no matter my past. Please tread lightly when reading my posts…..
I’m currently sitting in my father’s living room floor watching my son sleep. He is beautiful. His soul and heart is uncomparable to anything on this earth. I can’t believe something so amazing and innocent and pure came from me. Let’s just say I’m grateful to be here. There’s been times when I couldn’t legally be here. I regret the time I wasted and missed so many things with him. His name is Julius Sebastian Alexander. He was born January 1st, 2006. And he is the best thing I have ever done.
On the day he was born, my body wasn’t addicted to any substance. I was 20 years old with a CNA license and a bright future. Little did I know that all my dreams for myself would come crumbling down like the Great Wall. I was induced and in labor for 23 hours. The doctor chose due to the fact that there wasn’t any room for him to grow. He was one day premature. He weighed 5 lbs. and 2 oz. He was tiny but perfectly healthy. He was absolutely perfect in every way. During labor I had to have an episiotomy. It was incredibly painful. After 2 days I got to come home with Julius in tow. I was still in pain. My gynocologist had prescribed me lortab 7.5. This is where it all began.
After taking 2 of the lortabs, I was in heaven… I was motivated to do things and felt invincible. I LOVED the feeling of them. The prescription didn’t last 3 days between me and my then boyfriend, Julius’ father, Daniel. Right after my prescription ran out, Daniel had his wisdom teeth pulled. YAY, another prescription. It only lasted 2 days as well. Luckily, (I only say luckily because at the time I didn’t know the damage I was doing to myself) Daniel had friends who like opiates as well. They became easy to find and soon enough a necessity for me to function. When I had them, I was loving life and happy as can be. When I didn’t have them, watch out, because the unholy bitch in me came out. The same goes for Daniel. Now imagine 2 people who absolutely wanted to kill someone for their “fix” couped up in the same room all day. Not a pretty sight. I’ll go into this further in later posts. This is just an introduction to my life as an addict, mother, daughter, sister, wife, ex-wife, and then a new relationship that has flourished.
I can’t wait to tell you about Jeremy. He is the love of my life. Yes, I’m skipping ahead 5 years from Julius’ birth but, he is AMAZING! When we met he was already in the throws of addiction as well. I had become so far gone in my addiction by this point because I was already addicted to the needle. Jeremy wasn’t. It’s ALL MY FAULT that I took him there. I did not force him to do anything. I simply asked if he would mind if I did my morphine my way. He was intrigued and wanted to try too. So, I shot him up. I’ll never forget his face. I then realized that I had ruined his life….
Fast forward to today…. Sitting in the floor at my father’s house, watching my 9 year old son sleep. Wondering why I chose such a disgraceful life and have missed out on some of the most amazing things a mother could ask for… Regretting so many life decisions I have made… All because I chose addiction, or did addiction just choose me?