just not good enough

My first college love. I met this solider online and he lived in Florida. This was the first time AOL came out, and we eventually met. It was love at first sight. I was entering my 2nd year of college when we first got together. I flew every month to see him on the base. Going on the third year of college, I moved out the dorm and had 3 girls roommates up north in Chicago. I remember we were going through some up and downs. Something was holding him back, and I was not sure what it was. Trust was also an issue because I caught him writing to his so called best friend who he  never met in Texas. That just ruined everything right there when I found out he is not the person I thought he was. That night we had a big party at my home. Tons of deaf and hearing people came, and he was there. I drank, and drank and drank so much I started taking a whole bottle of pills with vodka. He tried to stop me and I don’t remember what happened after that. He told me I scared him and I could have died. This is when I was told he is leaving overseas to Saudi Arabia. I did not know if he was coming back, alive or coming back to me. We exchanged a few letters, and then he broke up with me. He eventually came back, and he came to see me. He was different. He was distant. He told me I was not Christian enough in his eyes. And that was it. A few months later, he married a woman who he met online, and pregnant not with his baby by someone else. The nerve he had to tell me I was not Christian enough. Am I that bad? I started taking a lot of pills with booze, self cutting on wrists, and that one night I walked to the lake to drown. I was done. I sat there looking at it, ready to go in, and my roommate came and stopped me. I also was seeing a guy who had a girlfriend,  a guy who hid me, another guy who would only see me at his place, another guy who was seeing three other women and two were supposedly to be my friend. And then another guy in the military. I did not care anymore if they all were using me. It was all I was good for. I had nothing to offer, and was not good enough to be that “girlfriend” title. I started seeing another deaf guy, who I knew from high school. Now, for those who know me, I usually do not date deaf guys. I thought this one would be different. He lived in Arizona. A year went by, so far so good, we flew to see each other and I was planning on moving with him to Arizona. He freaked out when we had an “accident” and made me take the  morning after pill, told me he was not ready to settle down with marriage or a baby. He started acting different, and I found out through my best friend’s boyfriend he was seeing another woman there. In fact, she has a tattoo of his name. Well, here we go again. That is when I bumped into my first son’s father. He is another deaf guy I knew from school. He was also going through a break up so we decided to keep each other company by having fun going on dates. I struggled with depression and self cutting. I went to out patient for counseling and treatment. Three months later, I got pregnant. I wanted an abortion, and he wanted to keep it. It was a tough decision back and forth not sure what to do. I was not IN love with him, but I love him in a different way. We fought all the time, his drinking habits took a toll on us. His drug addictions ate up our money, his car taken away in a few months, lies after lies. We moved to Florida thinking he will change with this new life. On the very first day of my new job working overnight, he did not come back. He went to Orlando with his brothers to this huge party.  I checked his phone, and saw a message saying “I had fun with you in the forest.” That was the last straw for me. We broke up and I went through series of men using me again in Florida that you cannot imagine or I cannot begin to explain how much. My ex, the solider from Florida came to visit me. He still said he did not love me and I was heartbroken all over again. I only had my son’s love. I was just good enough as a mother.

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