October 1st

My first entry. So much on my mind that it is hard to get it all out. 

My dad is gone… Gone for 9 months. My mother betrayed me in some unforgivable ways. The love of my life is gone. He is the reason I started to try an online journal.

Our relationship was not perfect. Never expected it to  be. We have had our ups and downs. In my mind I felt the good out weighed the bad. He was not your typical guy. Very confident and proud of his weird geeky personality and was not afraid to let it shine through. Loves just about anything nature and pure. He was gentle and kind but was passionate about the people closest to him. Never wanted to get on his bad side. He had eyes like the clearest most pure ocean waters. I could lost in them for days. His touch was so mesmerizing… so genuine. I knew he loved me. I knew that we would be together forever. He just made everything I did worth so much more. Made the joys of coming home and waiting for his strong embrace. Waiting to smell him and to gaze into those pure blue eyes. He was special; so unique and exactly what I needed in my life. He brought out the best in me. My love for him grew stronger and stronger everyday.

My dad died in January of a very sudden death, massive heart attack. My entire outlook on life changed. My dad… my number one supporter and the one person that encouraged me to be a better person for my children. He only wanted the best for me. He only wanted to see me succeed. I had so much anger built up inside. But I had to be the strong one, for my kids but also for my mother. Put all my feelings and emotions aside for others. In turn, that hindered the growth of my relationship. Instead it started falling apart. Days didn’t seem too bright. More time was spent looking after my mom and making sure her mental state was okay while mine was deteriorating. Never paid attention to the fact that the love was dwindling away… hanging on by mere thread of faith, maybe. I became more irritable at little things. Things that never bothered me before. He kept quiet. Didn’t say much anymore. Never realized that it was because of my anger outbursts. He didn’t want to say anything that would set me off. So he started to distance himself. Started reaching out to other people. Staying away from home a little bit longer. This only angered me a little nit more. Started making accusations of him cheating, not loving me, or whatever spewed out of my mouth at that time. Just random outbursts of nonsense. Locked him out of the house and even went as far as laying my hands on him.

How could I do something so horrible to the one and only person I have ever loved more than life itself? Death changes a person… or does it really? It was the way I have bottled up all my emotions for my dad. Always caring for everyone else but myself. Making sure everyone was fine, that I forgot about taking care of myself. He was forgiving and accepted my plea. I agreed to seek counseling and try to manage my emotions a little better. This man loved me. He wanted to be with me for all of his life.

During this time of “healing” the boys’ father wrecked his car. My problem… Focus on everyone but myself. SO of course I helped him. He stayed with us for a little while until he was able to get it together. Saying “yes” instead of “no”.

The man of my dreams left after another yet outburst of rage and anger that wasn’t supposed to be directed towards him. He left me. I am sure it was the hardest thing he could have ever done. But he was smart. He thought of himself, unlike me. I think of everyone else. The biggest mistake I have ever made.

He has been gone for two months the thought of him gone makes me weak. It tares me to pieces. I have made every attempt imaginable to make him forgive me for the awful things I have done. I have made him question my love for him. How could I? All I ever wanted was to be his wife and to expand a family with him. He has now sought out to make these plans with someone else. I have betrayed him, his trust, but most of all our love. I have never felt so much defeat in my life.

My dream guy gone. I will never love anyone the way I have loved him. He is and always will be the love of my life. And I let him slip away. I have never felt so down, so cold, so numb in my life. He was my everything and now someone gets the chance to fill that void I left in his heart. I love that man with my heart and soul and wish he could understand the pain that I am in right now… But then again, I am sure he said the same thing.

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