To give until it hurts

I need to keep writing. These thoughts need to get out of my head. What happens to me, how do I feel? Forcing myself to be sick is now not a weight loss device. I’m not really sure how the change in mentality happened. It became something I did to inflict pain on myself. It was/is a cheats way of cutting yourself. It’s just a silent one – no one can see any after effect. No scars no burns. To everyone else you are just another human. For me this has always occurred (except for my school days) in the shower. When you want to feel pain for doing something stupid, for being unhappy, when you feel unloved or unwanted, to have a feeling of you are in control. For me it is a punishment and a control factor. I have control of what I am doing, I have control of how far, how long, how much I push my body, how much pain I feel. I’m releasing pressure inside me. I’m in control. If I want the pain to stop then I stop. I’m in control. Depending on the lead up to an event affects the feeling around it. There I times when I can hurt myself and almost feel robotic. It’s relatively quick. Fingers down, vomit up, wash away, clean teeth. No one would ever know. Other times when it’s quite emotional and proceeds a fight, I’m hurt or upset. It takes longer. I can be in the shower anywhere up to an hour. Talking myself out of it, pushing the salty water from my mouth and it dribbles down my chin. I sit, staring at the glass with the hot water running. I cry a lot…but I still do it. I know I will feel guilty afterwards, stupid and dumb but in that moment you think you know what you are doing. You think it’s right. It’s too late to turn back. There is something about the force behind vomit coming out that makes me feel like I’m getting rid of something. I am in pain, my stomach aches, if I do this without having a pretty full stomach I feel stabbing pains in my sides. It hurts me. Sometimes I feel the need to scrub the shower afterwards. It’s almost like an emotional energy output. I have to scrub away the germs, I scrub away all my energy, all the tears in my body. I give until it hurts.

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