A cry for help or admitting defeat..

Dear everyone,

So with this post I kind of want to try and talk about depression, well, at least I think it’s that.. I’m so hurt, I hate everything. I can’t even walk down the street holding a guys hand because I feel too embarrassed for him even though I know there’s probably nobody even looking at us.. I seem to be getting to the point where I don’t even want to leave the house, whether it be for work, or to go out and see family. I just don’t want to leave, I want to hide away in my room.. I do though, as much as I wish I could stay in my room forever I don’t, I still get up and force a smile on my face to try and not let the defeat of how i’m actually feeling show.. My family keep telling me to go and see the doctor but I feel like if I do it wont help, like they’ll just try to make out that nothings wrong.. Or even if I do get help am I just admitting defeat? Like the depressions got the better of me.. Like I can’t hide it anymore. Its won, it’s pushed me to the point where I can’t do anything but get help.. I’m at the lowest I’ve ever been. And I know this because i’m so close to picking up a blade just to try and hurt myself, because that’s what it wants isn’t it, the depression? I mean, I hurt myself now but I don’t use a blade, I never have, I use my nails, I started off two years ago with scratching at the back of my hand repeatedly until it bled. I did that continuously for months. Then I stopped and around a year ago it started again, but then I got embarrassed because my dad saw it, he saw that I was hurting and I didn’t like that. I’d then start to scratch at my face, on the edge of my lip, without realising some times.. But then I stopped that because people questioned what it was, of course I lied about it. And then a few months back I had the idea to do it somewhere less visible, and giving I always where long sleeved clothes or baggy jumpers, where better to do it than my wrist? So I did, I scratched away until I bled. At first I barely did it, only when I hit a huge down low.. But recently I feel like i’m doing it a hell of a lot more.. But now I feel like i’m going to get worse, like it’s only matter of time before I do reach for the blade or a sharper object than my nails.. I hate this feeling but I really don’t know what to do.. Should I seek help, admit defeat and try and stop all this? Or do I try and battle it out by myself and refuse to back down?

I don’t know, I guess I just see how this all pans out?
Just see what each day brings and maybe then i’ll seek help?
I don’t know.. maybe i’m more stubborn than I realise..


One thought on “A cry for help or admitting defeat..”

  1. no matter what you do in life, you never give up. always understand that. if you give up on yourself who else is going to help you? really think about it. who’s the most reliable person to help you? yourself. remember everybody in the world goes through something. it’s all in your head, now you can let it kill you, ruin your life and be even more disappointed with yourself or you can get up and do something with yourself. you need to find a center peace something that no matter how bad you’re feeling you can do this over and over and it’ll mellow you out make you happy it’s gotta be something you love to do. I know there’s something in your life that can take the stress off. my personal center peace is basketball and if that’s not available for me to access 24/7 then I can go to my second option which is make music. you’re center peace has to always be available to you. I mean it’s like an escape. my friend whatever you’re going through someone out there has it worse and not to take the attention off you but do yourself a favor appreciate what you really have. I’ve been homeless before during winter season it’s not easy. you even have a dad, that’s not common amongst me or my friends. be thankful for what you have instead of what you’re lacking. don’t let anyone out here tell you you can’t make it. you’re still here and alive. that’s an accomplishment in itself. you deserve better for yourself but if you’re afraid of getting what you want in life, what makes you think it’s going to get up and come to you? keep pushing you have no choice. life is nothing but a hill you go through ups and downs always no matter what. but you can make it up any hill at least have a smooth fall when you start to fall. the next hill won’t be as hard to climb. I have faith in you. do yourself the favor. you owe it to you. no one else in this life is you or can be you. you’re special remember that.

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