So with this post I kind of want to try and talk about depression, well, at least I think it’s that.. I’m so hurt, I hate everything. I can’t even walk down the street holding a guys hand because I feel too embarrassed for him even though I know there’s probably nobody even looking at us.. I seem to be getting to the point where I don’t even want to leave the house, whether it be for work, or to go out and see family. I just don’t want to leave, I want to hide away in my room.. I do though, as much as I wish I could stay in my room forever I don’t, I still get up and force a smile on my face to try and not let the defeat of how i’m actually feeling show.. My family keep telling me to go and see the doctor but I feel like if I do it wont help, like they’ll just try to make out that nothings wrong.. Or even if I do get help am I just admitting defeat? Like the depressions got the better of me.. Like I can’t hide it anymore. Its won, it’s pushed me to the point where I can’t do anything but get help.. I’m at the lowest I’ve ever been. And I know this because i’m so close to picking up a blade just to try and hurt myself, because that’s what it wants isn’t it, the depression? I mean, I hurt myself now but I don’t use a blade, I never have, I use my nails, I started off two years ago with scratching at the back of my hand repeatedly until it bled. I did that continuously for months. Then I stopped and around a year ago it started again, but then I got embarrassed because my dad saw it, he saw that I was hurting and I didn’t like that. I’d then start to scratch at my face, on the edge of my lip, without realising some times.. But then I stopped that because people questioned what it was, of course I lied about it. And then a few months back I had the idea to do it somewhere less visible, and giving I always where long sleeved clothes or baggy jumpers, where better to do it than my wrist? So I did, I scratched away until I bled. At first I barely did it, only when I hit a huge down low.. But recently I feel like i’m doing it a hell of a lot more.. But now I feel like i’m going to get worse, like it’s only matter of time before I do reach for the blade or a sharper object than my nails.. I hate this feeling but I really don’t know what to do.. Should I seek help, admit defeat and try and stop all this? Or do I try and battle it out by myself and refuse to back down?
I don’t know, I guess I just see how this all pans out?
Just see what each day brings and maybe then i’ll seek help?
I don’t know.. maybe i’m more stubborn than I realise..