A big decision

Today I made a decision. I will not have any private journals. Everything I write will be available for the world to read, everything. There is no point doing this if I continue to hide behind something. I know I need things to be this way. This week for the first time I tried meditation. I thought it would be really difficult to shut everything out and concentrate. I didn’t think I’d be able to do it. It was quite the opposite, I could visualise my quiet place easily and I could see myself there. It is natural and I am bare. I have nothing hiding me. This is how I know I can’t hide anything anymore. For me to feel free I need to let out all my worries, fears and memories- good or bad, old or new. These are the things holding me back. They are another piece of the puzzle.
I think I worked out today why this is happening now. On my 21st birthday (a major birthday celebration) I made a speech. I was then engaged to my boyfriend of 5 years. He was who I thought I would grow old with, who would father my children. I thought by the time I was 30 I would be a mother to our children, we would have our own home and live happily ever after. In my speech I told 100 family and friends that he was irreplaceable. It was he who chose to replace me in the worst way imaginable. On the 4th of February 2007 he broke up with me. It was like I had lost him, he had died. It literally was one day he was there and the next day I never saw him again, he never spoke to me again. He didn’t explain anything all he said was that he didn’t love me anymore and asked for my engagement ring back. It was like grieving his death. It took me a lot of weeks to get myself back together or try to anyway. I had a dream, the same dream several times that I was a widower at his funeral. We were all dressed in black. I think that was telling me I needed to let go. To make it even more painful, my family were happy that we had broken up. There was next to no consoling or emotional support. Mum told me it was the best day of her life when I arrived home with an overnight bag packed with clothes asking if I could stay. I shared my sisters bed for the next month, starting taking Stilnox to get me to sleep, deferred all my uni pracs for the term, moved my study to external and tried to keep up as best I could. I couldn’t eat, the smell of food made me sick to my stomach. Weight dropped off me like you wouldn’t believe. I dropped 2 dress sizes in 3 weeks. You know when you are in a moment of time and you say “I wonder what I’ll be doing when I’m this old?” Well I think this is what has hit me when I turned 30, I just never imagined it would happen. My next milestone birthday celebration after my 21st and in a world completely different to what I thought. This is another piece of the puzzle. Yes, I got married to my dear husband, we bought houses, travelled and filled our home with what we wanted. But what we don’t have are children. Something I have wanted desperately for so long. It has taken a lot longer for husband to realise he is ready and wants to be a father but we are getting there….when the stars and the moon align I hope we will be able to have a family. I want our children to have clear blue eyes, a cheeky smile and dark curly hair just like their Daddy. I’m not really sure what I want our children to get from me yet….this change is a work in progress so maybe I will find it along my way. Every day won’t be easy but there is a little slice of happiness and freedom – I just have to find it.

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