Change

Things change all the time. Weather changes, rain turns to sun, Summer into Winter. Things grow, and grow apart. People change. One day someone could love you, the next they are gone. People die, people disappear. Things change.

There’s always a sigma about change. Some people love it, others can’t stand it. I think it’s really a matter of what type of change is occurring. There is one thing about change that I think we all know as truth. Change is inevitable.

There are so many things that I was never changed. That loves would last. People would stay. Amazing moments in time would never end. But the truth is we all know we can’t always have what we want, and that all things must come to an end, inevitably changing the world around us.

But there are also things that people desperately want to change, and would do anything it their power to change it. But alas, they cannot. People wish to be skinnier, taller, have better features, be loved. I want all these things. But the truth is is that I am me. And I hold the power to change these things about me. Sure, I can’t exactly change the way I look. Well, I could but that would require a lot of surgery, money and ridiculousness which I am not prepared for. But I am able to lose weight, and by doing so, felling better in my own and learning to love myself. For loving yourself is the only way to let others love you.

I have been single for 6 years. Within those 6 years, I have been with no one. It’s safe to say that I’ve “let myself go” as being an understatement. I’m big for my height (also an understatement) and have little to no energy. I’m my mind I felt that I wasn’t that big and that I know people that are bigger than I. I was pretty much lying to myself. And whilst I wait for my new job to start (hopefully in the next week or so), I have finally seen myself as I am. Huge and grotesque. My clothes don’t fit like they used to and I don’t feel comfortable facing the world outside as I am. The thing is, I don’t know how to change.

At this point in my life, I am the biggest I have ever been. I was almost this big when I was 19, and I changed and became the lightest I had ever been as an adult. I want to do that again, but beat that record. I need to change. I want to change. In 5 months I will be going to New York and on a cruise that means a lot to me and I don’t want to go on it whilst I am the way that I am. I need to do this for me. I need to do this now.

I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I want to be loved. I know that I will not feel this way unless I do something. I am the only person that is holding myself back. Away from happiness. Away from love. I want to read this in 5 months, 6 months, a years time and laugh about how desperate I was and how sad I seemed. That this person writing this is dead and the new me is stronger than ever. I want to prove to myself that I can change and be the person I imagine in my head.

For the first time in my life, I desperately want to change…

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